July 6, 2013

  • “After this I had a vision of a great multitude, which no one could count, from every nation, race,

    On July 11th I will fly to Brazil to minister to English-speaking pilgrims at World Youth Day in Rio de Janeiro.

     

    I’ve known people who belong to a “mega-church,” and sometimes they might praise God alongside several hundred other people. Down in Texas, a member of Joel Osteen’s congregation might praise God alongside several thousand others. The largest Mass I’ve attended had about five or six thousand people, and I’ve met some who have attended Mass in a baseball stadium filled with people. To worship God with a large group of people is a powerful experience.

    I cannot imagine what worshiping God with millions would be like but, in a couple weeks, I won’t have to imagine it; I’ll live it.

    This is the closing Mass at WYD Madrid in 2011 with 1.5-2 million in attendance.


    I’ve heard that anywhere between 2 and 8 million young Catholics from across the world could be attending. That’d be like attending Mass with the whole city of Chicago (minus the metro area). This will be a very catholic event, in the truest sense of the word. But you know what is awesome (well, ONE awesome thing, anyways) about being Catholic? 

    Same Mass. Everywhere.

    Languages will be different, yes, but everyone knows what is going on, what the prayers are, when to stand, kneel, when to sing HOLY, HOLY, HOLY at the top of your lungs, when to cry out AMEN! together in one, earth-shaking voice. I can’t WAIT to worship with my Catholic brothers and sisters from across the globe; it will truly be a foretaste of Heaven!

     

    All that being said, please know that I will be praying for all of you on my pilgrimage, especially since Xanga will undergo its transformation of one kind or another while I am away. Should any of you have any prayer requests that you’d like me to bear in my heart while I am trekking around Brazil, sleeping on floors and the ground, etc. please leave a comment or send a message. Let others know about this post, too, so that they may send me their requests as well.

     

    God bless you all; my prayers and love for my dear Xangans will be sent up constantly!

July 2, 2013

  • This One Goes Out to the One(s) I Love

     

    What does Ancient_Scribe have to say as July 15th draws ever nigh?

     

    Hey, I’m new to this. . . . my dear friend Jiller recommended this. I hope you enjoy whatever it is I decide to do with this place. . .  . :)

     

    This was my very first Xanga entry on February 3rd, 2003. I was a freshman at the University of Wyoming majoring in archaeology. Becoming a Jesuit priest was not on my mind whatsoever; my greatest love was Star Wars, with the video game Morrowind competing at a close second. I’d never had a girlfriend (that wouldn’t happening until the following summer), I was excited for the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King to come to theaters after The Two Towers had recently rocked my world over Christmas break. I was still trying to forgive my new friends for letting me watch the Star Wars Holiday Special (well, the half I could force myself to watch), I had let my hair and beard grow long and wild, and life was pretty much wonderful.

    Were I to travel back in time to meet my nerdier, hairier self 10.5 years ago, I doubt we’d recognize each other, physically or intellectually.

     

    When some anonymous angel here on Xanga surprised me several months ago by purchasing Premium for me, I decided back in May (when the school year had ended and all grading was done) to archive my blog. For those of you who read my vocation story (blogged in detail starting in April of 2008), many times when I tell that story people say, “You need to write a book!” Perhaps that will happen in the future should God and my superiors permit, and should it happen I will need my blog. You see this blog chronicles my journey from nerdy college freshman to nerdy college junior, to hopelessly-in-love junior, to intrigued-about-these-so-called-Jesuits junior, to conflicted-junior, to utterly-heart-crushed-senior, to heart-mending-senior, to I’m-entering-the-Society-of-Jesus. And beyond.

    When I first entered the Jesuits, I was somewhat puzzled as to what I should do with my blog. Over time it evolved from a simple blog where I talked about myself and my life to something of a ministry all its own. I cannot tell you the number of souls I have encountered and touched through this blog, the lives I’ve been able, literally, to save, the fears I’ve been able to help put to rest, the hearts I’ve encouraged and so much else. I take credit for none of it; it was all Christ. For all that I’ve done on Xanga is give words, and there is only one Word that can touch a life, and that is the Living Word of Christ. I’ve received tremendous kindness from some, and I’ve been treated the most awfully by others; I’ve been called everything from a cannibal and a vampire (because, as a Catholic, I eat and drink the flesh and blood of Christ in the Eucharist), a child molester (because I’m studying to be a priest), a Papist (guilty as charged, I suppose, but I didn’t know people were still called that), and all manner of mean things simply for being Catholic. But I’ve also been called sweet, kind, insightful, nice, loving, patient and all manner of kind things, too. I’ve seen beautiful, edifying and moving things; I’ve seen disgusting, scandalous and downright pornographic things. I’ve conversed with other Catholics, other Christians, Muslims, athesists, agnostics and every religion in between, men and women, from across the world; I’ve often considered my blog and my work on Xanga as a sort of “missionary church.” Through Xanga I’ve done a lot of Catholic mythbusting and tried to show Catholic Christianity (and Christianity in general) in a positive light, primarily by example as opposed to apologetics, unless I thought apologetics would be more effective. 

    I’ve encountered many, many beautiful souls here. I’ve met young women who have become sisters and nuns and young men who are now studying to be priests, I’ve encouraged young people who lamented that they would never fall in love and get married (now they are one or the other, or both), I’ve sometimes been the first to sincerely tell a person that they are beautiful (or been the first person they legitimately believed), I’ve called complete strangers when they desperately needed a kind ear, I’ve written letters, sent books and other gifts of support to people struggling in their faith life. There are saints being formed in this world, and I had the gift of knowing some of them here on Xanga. I’ve seen adoptions, freedom from alcohol and drugs, healing from rape and abuse, the move from atheism to belief in God, conversion from Protestant Christianity to the ancient Catholic faith; I’ve seen abortion, the downward spiral into self-destruction, depravity, the loss of faith, leaving the Church. 

    I’ve seen everything on Xanga that I see in the “real world.” 

     

    What Xanga has given me is a perspective on the wider world beyond whatever my current work is. When I was in novitiate, philosophy studies in St. Louis, caring for elderly and infirm priests, or this past year of teaching at an all-boys high school, Xanga kept me rooted in the greater world, ministering to people who were undergoing tremendous suffering or celebrating with great joy, and all the normal stuff in between. People on Xanga pressed on my intellectual and religious borders, challenging me and forcing me to grow and deepen my knowledge, hone my reasons and articulate them in such a way that real dialogue could occur. In short, Xanga has helped make me a better priest (to-be, that is; I still have four years until ordination). By listening to the stories and lives of so many here in this blog community, I’ve learned a great deal about people in general, about broken hearts and how best to tend to them, and the lessons I’ve learned from many of you has helped me in my real-world ministry.

     

    Back in August a Xangan left a comment on one of my entries:

    Everything this person did, he did so without any God. He did it all on his own, which should be ever greater comfort. Do not ever suggest some fictitious almighty being had anything to do with it. It is an intellectual insult.”

    I never responded to him, primarily because the school year was beginning and I was caught in a whirlwind of I-have-no-idea-how-I’ll-survive-this-but-I-have-to-teach-anyways but I had always meant to make a post addressing it. This is that post.

    You see, nothing about the last seven years of my life as a Jesuit, nor about the two prior years of discernment, makes sense if it is all just “me.” What this Xangan didn’t know is that when a young man is deeply in love with the woman he is convinced he is going to marry, he doesn’t put that aside easily; literally only God could have taken her place. A young man doesn’t voluntarily give up wealth, career, marriage and family for no reason, and certainly not for reasons of insanity (during the application process I was subjected to a barrage of psychological evaluations; science says I’m perfectly sane). But let’s pretend, out of kindness for this Xangan, that yes, it was all me and that God had nothing to do with it; let’s not insult his intellect.

    Why, then, have I done all these things? Why have I taken the time to leave long, personal comments on the site of some total stranger on the other side of the globe who suffers because she thinks herself ugly and unlovable? Why write a letter to a young woman I’ve never met who is struggling to feel God’s presence in her life? Why take the insults of an angry Protestant in an effort to show him that Catholicism isn’t the ugly, un-Biblical religion he was raised to think it was? Why call a stranger who’s life is falling apart simply because he asked me to? I gain absolutely nothing from any of these things, nothing whatsoever. Sometimes these experiences leave me drained and hurt, sometimes feeling useless and despairing; sometimes, yes, I feel “good” that I’ve done something kind but I never did any of them for any kind of reward.

    Again, pretending for a moment that there is no God, why have I done all these things on Xanga; why did I remain here and give so much of myself to it?

     

    Because I love you. All of you. I believe that love and even my choosing it comes from God, but even that aforementioned Xangan perhaps can accept that to love is a choice, and it is the choice I made. And I would make it again in a heartbeat.

     

    You won’t know, at least not until Heaven, how I’ve prayed for so many of you by name and all of you more generally. You won’t know the tears I’ve shed for some, the movements of my heart for many, the time I’ve given to answering questions, leaving comments, not because I would be rewarded somehow but simply because I loved each of you. I never saw an avatar, a persona, a simple post, a screen name, etc.; I always saw a human being made in the image and likeness of God, and I always tried to love each of you as much as I could.

     

    Regardless of Xanga’s future, I will likely not be returning to the blog world. As one having a vow of poverty, I receive $150 per month for miscellaneous expenses, so if Xanga continues but requires a fee, I cannot afford the expense. In any case, as I have learned this past year (hence very few posts, though I remained active via checking subs and leaving comments, sending messages, etc.) full-time teaching is, literally, full-time; for the coming year at least I do not foresee being able to maintain a blog. Perhaps after this year, when I am sent to theology studies, I will begin blogging again somewhere. But, again, for the time being, once July 11th rolls around (I am flying to Brazil for World Youth Day, so I will be out-of-town when Xanga’s D-Day arrives) you will no longer hear from me on this site.

    I am well and humbly aware that there are many, many people who enjoy my posts and comments, and many who care a great deal about me, and it has been bittersweet these last weeks to realize that this blog and this community might come to an end for me. For those of you who wish to keep in touch, please message me

    Xanga has been the instrument of many, many blessings in my life, and as I look ahead to the final years of my priestly formation and then to ordination, God-willing, I have no idea what is in store. But rest assured that I will continue to pray for those I have been praying for, especially:

    -You who suffer so much from a shattered mind.

    -You who suffer from a broken family.

    -You who suffer from a broken body.

    -You who suffer from crippling debt and a difficult discernment.

    -You who suffer from an eating disorder, loneliness and loss.

    -You who suffer from a fear of loving and being loved.

    -You who suffer from self-doubt.

    -You who suffer to live your faith in a world that contradicts it.

    -You who suffer from past heartbreak and fear it being broken again.

    -You who fear that God has abandoned you.

    -You who struggle to find a reason to live.

    -You struggle with so much pain and doubt.

    And so many others: you are in my prayers, always.

    Peace and God’s love to you all.

     

    Now I wish to leave this ministry as I began it by posting my entry from just before I entered the novitiate. I feel it explains perfectly and in lovely summation my attitude regarding Xanga which, I hope, has been proven consistent during my Jesuit life these past seven years. 

    Thursday, August 24, 2006
     

    Here I go…

    “Tomorrow I leave for the Jesuit Novitiate. Shortly after 2p.m. on Saturday, my life isn’t mine any more. And it is wonderful.

    One way that is good, I feel, to describe the reality of my life hereafter is like this:

    Say you take me aside on the street and stand me up against a wall. You pull some random guy off the street as well and stand him next to me. Then, you steal everything in our pockets, and then the clothes off our backs and the shoes off our feet. You also send your criminal buddies to our rooms/houses and steal all of our things, then burn down the place where we live. You take everything.

    The difference between me and this random man, though we both have nothing, is that he has his life and his soul. I have only my soul.

    You see when I do this, when I enter the Jesuits, I’m not only doing what I feel called to do, but I’m doing this because I love youYou, the person reading this right now. My life is my gift to the world, and the Jesuits will help me learn to give it as fully as possible. You may not ever meet me, and I may never do anything for you but I am completely willing to do so. My life is yours now, is theirs now, is the church’s now, is God’s now. I keep for myself only my soul, that I might someday be good enough to lay it on the threshold of Heaven and say, “Father! I’m home! Look what I have brought You!”

    Not everyone in the world will accept my life, some might even seek to injure it or end it altogether. But God gifted us with free will, and I realize that not everyone will see my life as a gift they want. But to others, my life might be the gift they have waited for their entire lives to receive, and I pray that I will be able to bring to those people more than just a man, but also hope and joy and peace, among many other things.

    I may not die a Jesuit. I may enter and be a part of their family for a few years and feel called elsewhere, but from them I will learn how to live my life in a way that gives me purpose, and it is purpose that most people, unbeknownst to many, desire. What use is life without meaning? Waking up every morning does not mean that you are alive, it merely means that you have yet another chance to live. This is my chance to wake up and live every day alive and ready to help others do the same. To live, not simply exist. Rocks exist, too. Isn’t it strange that some rocks seem to have more of a purpose than some people?

    I am tired of existing. It is with the Jesuits and through this call to serve God that I have tasted what it is to live and grow and thrive and love all of it, even when my heart is breaking. If I ignore this call, I will continue breaking again and again until I am nothing but broken, existing without purpose or meaning, pretending to be alive. I want to give myself to something greater than myself, and by following the footsteps of Christ one will discover that the world is greater than the self, and well worth giving yourself to, for “God so loved the world He gave His only Son.” Well, it is time for me to give back.

    I love all of you dearly, and I miss many of you. I will do my best to keep in touch when I am able. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and let me know if there is any way that I can serve any of you. May God bless and keep you always.”

April 17, 2013

April 11, 2013

  • Prayer Request

    As any long-time resident of this fallen (yet good and beautiful) world knows, our existence is one that in a moment is blessed and sweet beyond words and in the next, bitter and heartbreaking. My last update was to share our family’s joy at the arrival of my beautiful little nephew, Laydon. 

    Now I very humbly ask for your prayers, thoughts and well-wishes for my beautiful cousin, Elly.

     

     

    She is 24 years old and would have graduated from college this May. For the past 2 months she’s been suffering terrible and debilitating migraines but on this past Thursday suffered seriously enough to be rushed to the ER and placed in ICU. An MRI and biopsy revealed cancerous lesions on her brain as well as metastasized cancer in various places throughout her body. She is a vibrant, otherwise healthy young woman just perched on the edge of an amazing life who is like a little sister to me, and very dear to the whole family. 

     

     

    God bless all of you and know, too, that I pray for many of you by name daily, and all of you generally (since there are so many names to try and remember, but you are all covered nonetheless!).

     

    Gratefully,

     

    Jacob

     

    Blessed Chiara Badano, pray for my cousin!

March 29, 2013

  • Look What Hatched This Easter…

    …my brand new nephew!

     

    Say hello to Laydon James, the first child of my younger brother!

    Weighing in at seven pounds with brown hair and deep blue eyes, he’s practically perfect in every way and absolutely adorable.

     

February 13, 2013

  • This Year’s Valentine for the Women of Xanga

    In spite of the day-to-day insanity of being a first-year teacher, though I have hardly had a ghost’s presence here on Xanga since August, I somehow managed to maintain the unbroken tradition (as far as I can remember since 2003) of writing an original poem for all the women of Xanga, especially meant for all those who haven’t a Valentine of their own. In Christ you’ve had a Valentine since before you even existed, a Heart that loved you from all eternity, to whom you are beautiful beyond words. In Him you have a man that faced death square-on and died in order to win, went through Hell and back and then rose from the dead for you; sorry, guys, but you have to admit–Jesus sets the standard pretty high.

    Have a very blessed St. Valentine’s Day, all you beautiful women of Xanga. You are all loved far more than you can comprehend.

     

    ‘twas once a king that walked ‘midst men unseen,

    His reign forgot; by passing zephyr swayed

    were most hearts then, content with moon’s chill sheen

    though the sun’s golden light upon them played.

    Alas, no word or deed could move nor stir

    The hearts of those he looked upon and loved

    For in the grip of death each of them were

    And thus against death, for such hearts, he strove.

    A duel to the death with death, ‘til transfixed

    Though ‘twas no nail but love that held him fast

    ‘til spear-pierced, dead, blood and water unmixed

    And, drowning then in love, death breathed its last.

    Death’s reign thus ended, love’s wine outpoured,

    Each heart made a throne for its life and Lord.

February 3, 2013

  • Super Bowl -MCMIII (64 AD)

    As we all prepare to watch the two best football teams in the nation rip each other to shreds on a Sunday…

                

    …let’s not forget that the only reason we are able to take a break on Sunday to watch it is because of the brave martyrs who, in the sight of thousands of roaring spectators, went to their death for Christ.

     

    “For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life?” (Matthew 16:25-26)

January 28, 2013

  • Kids Say the Darndest Things

    So I teach in a high school–all boys–and they have been getting me up to speed on lots of things, including their interesting “colloquialisms” such as sick, epic, legendary, and of course Y.O.L.O. All last semester I corrected any of my students who used the latter, saying, “Actually, you only live forever.” Alas, the Y.O.L.F. trend never went viral, so I made my own meme today.

    So don’t live like your gonna die young; live like you are going to live eternally because–come heaven or hell–you will.

     

    Peace.

     

    -A very busy, behind-on-grading-papers Ancient_Scribe

November 15, 2012

  • The Dare (NSFW if you work for a public or government institution)

    Today when checking the Xanga front page (it is all I have time to do just to keep tabs on all my Xanga friends I love and pray for; yes, YOU) I noticed a trend: some “Dare NSFW” thing.

     

    Needless to say I know some interesting new details about some of you now… :-/

    So I figured I’d better get on the band wagon and do what I usually do: try and steer the band wagon in the right direction. You want to talk about intimate, personal secrets and desires? Daring deeds? Mind-blowing, heart-igniting passion? Want to talk about “what goes on in the bedroom?” Fine. Let’s go for it. Answer these, if you DARE:

    1. What do you consider your first spiritual experience to be?
    2. What is the most religious thing you’ve ever worn in public?
    3. What is the kindest act you’ve ever done for someone?
    4. What is your favorite story from the Gospel or a religious movie?
    5. Have you ever prayed with someone from a different religion?
    6. Have you ever prayed in a public place?
    7. Have you ever participated in a religious service other than your own?
    8. Have you ever gone outside your spiritual comfort zone in order to move closer to God?
    9. Are you in a good relationship with God right now?
    10. What do think God’s wish is for you?
    11. Whose desires come first in your life: yours or God’s?
    12. Do you struggle with selfishness? What helps you overcome this?
    13. Do you struggle with false or empty relationships that distract you from your relationship with God? What relationships help you stay close to God?
    14. When you pray, what is your image of God? What do you think of?
    15. What is on your “spiritual bucket list?”

    I’m tagging @kellsbella, @QuantumStorm, @ShimmerBodyCream, @NightCometh, @Semper_Medusa, @DraculVanHelsing, @captivated_byHislove, @walkintotheseaaa, @hesacontradiction

    Tag others if you would; now that we’ve seen into the bedrooms of so many Xangans, let’s see if we can’t look into some hearts

     

    And yes, it really did take “The Dare” to make me stay up past 11pm on a school night and update my Xanga for the first time in many, many weeks. But please believe me when I say that I miss all of you, but I pray for you constantly. My presence on Xanga may have diminished because of my new mission, but my love for all of you remains.

    -Jacob

September 21, 2012

  • Jesus Said to Them, “My Wife…”

    I’m way too busy teaching to be updating Xanga but since Jesus has been making headlines lately, I just HAD to say something.

    Apparently a little slip of papyrus, just about the size of, say, a business card, was discovered: http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/wireStory/scholar-jesus-talks-wife-ancient-script-17287691

    It seems to barely suggest that perhaps, maybe, Jesus had a wife and this strikes the world as what some might refer to as “a big deal.” Some people are even excited that finally the Catholic Church will have to change its ways after 2000 years and all other kinds of conclusions are being jumped to.

    But the Catholic Church, as well as this Catholic, and I imagine most sound Christians aren’t really phased by this discovery. Why?

    Because we already KNEW Jesus had a wife; He still does…

    “So they came to John and said to him, “Rabbi, the one who was with you across the Jordan, to whom you testified, here he is baptizing and everyone is coming to him.” John answered and said, “No one can receive anything except what has been given him from heaven. You yourselves can testify that I said [that] I am not the Messiah, but that I was sent before him. The one who has the bride is the bridegroom; the best man, who stands and listens for him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice…” (John 3:26-29)

     

    “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So also husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” (Ephesians 5:25-30)

    I also saw the holy city, a new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. (Rev. 21:2)

    One of the seven angels who held the seven bowls filled with the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come here. I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb.” (Rev. 21:9)

     

    Let us rejoice and be glad

    and give him glory.

    For the wedding day of the Lamb has come,

    his bride has made herself ready.

    She was allowed to wear

    a bright, clean linen garment.”

    (The linen represents the righteous deeds of the holy ones.)

    Then the angel said to me, “Write this:

    Blessed are those who have been called to the wedding feast of the Lamb.”

    And he said to me, “These words are true; they come from God.” (Rev. 19:7-9)