September 23, 2005
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I saw Laura today for the first time since she dropped me off at my dorm on Labor Day. There I was, just about to walk into the auditorium for praise and worship, my hair back in a ponytail, my beard trimmed, shirt, tie, the works. Truthfully, I probably looked my best since… well, since prom or something. I don’t know.
Suddenly there she is, dressed simply in a blue shirt and tan pants (I think… I was looking at her face). The startled look on her face when I said, “Hello,” at once shattered and healed my heart. The poor creature looked exhausted but managed to smile and chat ever so briefly before entering and melting into the crowd. I could still see her, far across the balcony and at times, peripherally, I saw her look at me.
The longing and saddness I saw, (though I do not know for certain if it was, truly, there), was breathtaking.
Why do we torture ourselves like this? It has been made clear as to my love for her. If she wants to be with me… why does she put herself through this? I am near giving up, for good, on this cause. It is too painful.
Imagine having cancer not just because it suddenly appeared, but because you chose to have it. Not some skin tumor or something easy. I’m talking a deep, expansive, vicious cancer. Imagine choosing that for yourself. That’s what I feel like every day. The mere thought of her slows my heart from the average beat to a slow, painstaking drum… drum… drum. Communication with her has been sparse as well. Her voicemail, thus far, has not been active, nor has she answered her phone. Emails have gone unreturned, save for just moments ago when she emailed a short apology. She felt that she had been rude by being so brief and unaccomodating to me, but I understood that she had company and an apology was completely unnecessary. She also commented that I “looked very nice.”
Never have words on a computer screen looked so sweet to me. I’m not letting my hopes get too high, though, unless she outright informs me that this is all just too difficult to maintain and that she needs me back in her life.
Think that’s funny? Well, I’m full of them.
On a COMPLETELY different note, I just recently decided that Her Majesty Queen Rania of Jordan is, quite possibly, one of the most incredibly beautiful women in the world. She even seems like a truly good and noble woman too.
*sigh*……………..
Yep. Enough of my fantasizing. Goodnight.
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Comments (11)
Now this is confusing. Is Laura mystery girl or not? What’s the deal on Laura?
Yes Clay! Laura is Mystery Girl. I thought I made that clear weeks ago.
Give up now and youll have lost a toe nail all for naught.
and you still have wonderful taste in art!…
Your description of love is so truthful. You yearn for so much, only to be hurt in the end, and yet we continually strive for this miserable feeling, day in and day out. I know what those e-mails feel like, too. They may only be a few words on a computer screen, but they’re able to cross such vast distances between two people (both physical and spiritual/mental) and make you feel closer to the person at the other end, even if they’re no longer there.
I’ve given some thought to what you said on AIM to me a couple of weeks ago, though, and know in my case you’re probably right. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, and I don’t want to get rid of the friendship, that’s for certain, but I’m terrified of what is to come next. I’m afraid for my future. Tina was the first girl in almost 21 years who took the time to get to know me. Not just the me on the surface, but the whole “me.” Even if we weren’t in a relationship, I told her some of the things only my closest friends know about, and to share that trust with someone is a hard burden.
I keep looking at the road ahead and am feeling scared, frightened, and confused all at the same time, because for the first time in my life I’ll be leaving a place of comfort for the unknown. I’ll be getting a job in the real world, and as of now I’m unsure where that will take me, away from friends or not.
I’m also afraid that I’m going to end up alone. I mean, let’s face it: I’m a socially inept dork. I don’t drink. I don’t go to rowdy parties. I’m much more comfortable hanging with a close group of friends and doing something quiet rather than what most of my classmates do. I’m an anomaly.
That’s not to belittle my good points, but I have had 21 years of little to no social interaction with members of the opposite sex. It’s not that I’m unliked either. I just always seem to be a good friend to too many people. Sure, being a friend is great, but it doesn’t alleviate any of that sense of dread that keeps encroaching when I see the doors of the real world opening and awaiting me at the end of this year.
On a lighter note, I am getting the title for my own car today, and will be looking into insurance and all those things to make the car my own… That being said, when I get this all straightened around, I’d like to come down and visit you at UNI some weekend. So I’ll hopefully talk to you soon.
Have a great week!
Hey Jake Good Luck with Laura! I just wanted to say Thank You for all of your caring and thoughtful comments… Its very nice… Talk to you soon!
no need to shout Jake, if you re-read the comments on your last post you’ll see why I got confused.
I WASN’T SHOUTING!!!!!
sweet! we’re going to have an amadeus party… um… someday.
i’ll letcha know when!
Oh. F.Y.I. I left that message on DramaQueens site because when I was reading someone else’s I came across Billy’s sisters site, which is PrettyNPink5742. She basically lays out that Billy left Thursday, and the post is dated September 20, so it would’ve been almost a week since he’s been there.
I can’t look at a death in the newspaper now without holding my breath and worrying, especially when it comes to reading Iowa newspapers.
I didn’t even know him that well…
I’ll talk at you later. Got the title and have started paying for car insurance. As soon as I get the documents at Wartburg, I’ll be making my first trip down to see you… Probably in the next two or three weeks.
Hope you have a great week!
Me too, Spidey. I pray he comes back safely.