September 19, 2005

• 

  
  

  What a beautiful picture.

  
  

  This weekend was enjoyable… my friend Andrew and I went to my house Friday night and watched my hometown’s varsity football team kick another team’s butt 50-0 (or thereabouts). After that we decided to enjoy the lovely evening and went down to the creek to talk about stuff. Full moon, crystal clear skies, running water below. Very productive discussions.

  
  

  But, dammit, if I didn’t wish that Laura was there instead of him. (No offense to my friend; his company was most enjoyable). So many moments pass through my life like a ghost down an empty hall, vanishing as quickly as it comes. I wish she were there by my side for every one of them so I could share the beauty inherent in those precious moments with her. Sunsets, the way the clouds are arranged in the sky, the way the light spills over the fields, or the silly things our dogs do. I want to share those moments with her, give her the memory of them, and pray that when they are so fondly remembered, I might be but a fondly reminisced speck somewhere in the honeycomb of her mind.

  
  

  But she can’t. Not now, perhaps never. That “perhaps” breaks my heart so thoroughly I wonder if it will ever mend fully, like an old war wound that aches until the day you die.

  
  

  My appetite is slowly making its way back to ravenous after being extremely fickle these past few weeks. My cold, one I’ve had since mid-August or so and almost defeated, has been resurfacing but is starting to tone down again. One of my two lost toenails is growing back.

  
  

  I still can’t sleep well. I cry nearly every night, though it is departing more and more from weeping and entering more into the realm of soft sobbing. Either way, I still have to force myself to go to everything the next day. Class. Church. Room. The times vary, but the places don’t. Though I find sanctuary in my church, though I find peace and comfort, there are times when my peer minister duties steal that away and it is in those moments I am most miserable. Thankfully I have good friends here, one in particular has adopted me as her big brother and she my little sister. She is my saving grace, and for that grace I will be ever grateful.

  
  

  I feel at times selfish for unloading the burdens of my soul on her, for asking her to spend time with me. But without her, I would surely go mad in my solitude. I do hope she realizes I would do the same for her, for I know that she too has her own heavy heart to bear. Perhaps that is what makes us such good friends; we are slowly healing from the same wound. Regardless, she has my eternal thanks, and she knows exactly who she is.

  
  

  

  
  

  Sorry for the rant.

  • 12:01 am
  • 7 Comments