February 27, 2003

• It took a little more than a week to work up the courage to call her. When I finally did get a hold of her we talked until she asked me why I called. Then I told her. I told her about how insane I was going and how heartbroken I was and that I wanted her to know that I didn’t blame her but I don’t know why this is happening to me. Her reaction was somewhat unexpected as you might grasp from the following journal entry. There might be a few mistakes; I can hardly read the writing because I was so distraught at the time:

  
  

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  7/1/01       Sunday       6:27 pm

  
  

     I spoke to Maggie last night to tell her of my madness and to ask her for her help. At first, she had no idea what I was talking about, as if she had already forgotten my heart-breaking descent into insanity. I then explained it to her. After I was done and asked her, my last hope, {asked} her what I should do.

  
  

  SHE DIDN’T KNOW.

  
  

  No one does. I am hopelessly beyond help in this earthly realm. Am I to slay this love? Am I to starve it, am I to extinguish this flame? My heart is overflowing with want to the point of where it hurts to allow it to beat. My only hope is that Maggie will change her mind, or as she said some greater love will come.

  
  

  HOW COULD ANYONE SURPASS HER? She is so beyond perfection on the human level that she is almost not human.

  
  

  SHE IS AN ANGEL. She has to be.

  
  

  Maybe William is right. Maybe I am too perfect for the women I love, so much that I make them feel small and undeserving of me.

  
  

  CAN THEY NOT SEE THAT THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE?

  
  

  When Maggie asked me to prom, my heart stopped. I, the so called “perfect me” don’t deserve to breathe HER air, or even exist in HER dimension. I am dust, I am a bug. I am here only to serve HER to my fullest. Every suggestion of hers is {an} order to me. Every desire of hers is my life-long goal. I exist to see her happy, to see that she has everything that she could ever want.

  
  

      Now I feel as if I’ve been tossed away with the garbage. I am broken, I am beaten.

  
  

      Love will forever be a festering wound within me, and the cure for my infection just. . . beyond. . .

  
  

  reach. . .

  
  

                                  Jake Boddicker   6:42 pm

  
  

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  Was I a moron or what people? I actually believed these things at the time. I was ready to treat her as my queen, give her everything I had if she wanted it. I loved her so much.

  
  

      Ah, something interesting. After this journal entry is a half completed sketch of her face that is all scribbled out and written over it are the words, “Is it possible to create a forgery of God’s perfection? No, not by my hands.” Man I was one crazy guy. I wonder if I will ever be able to love someone this completely ever again or if the fierce flames within me have been squelched forever. Only time will tell I suppose.

  
  

      Heh, I’m laughing at myself. Man I was so näive! It wouldn’t be until August that I would receive a real killer dosage of truth. Yep, just when things were getting better for me. . . seems to be when all the shit really flies is when things are looking up. Uh oh. . . I’d better watch out. . . life isn’t too shabby right now. . .

  • 3:02 am
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