April 5, 2011

• Family Reunion

  

  PART III

  I returned to my cabin after returning my dishes and such from dinner, and it began to rain very steadily. I am a tremendous fan of rain on a tin roof, so I was in heaven from Moment 1. However, as I began preparing myself for the triple colloquy, I realized that the rain could be a potential distraction. My past experience of the triple colloquy I imagined taking place in an enormous castle and I intially considered “going back” there. However, being deep inside a great castle would make it difficult to hear the rain, and my little cabin was full of that sound. So I decided to have this colloquy elsewhere, some place that would incorporate the sound of rain into it so it wouldn’t be a distraction. I decided to meet my Mother here where I live so that I wouldn’t have to try too hard to imagine anywhere else. I remembered that in the dining room of my house is a skylight above a nice couch, which would be a perfect place to meet. I pictured the very familiar place in my mind as I sat on my bed, and let myself enter into prayer. I will just type up what I wrote after my time of prayer:

   

  I imagined waiting in my room. I’d just closed my laptop and looked to see what time it was. Almost 2pm. I knew that Mary would be arriving soon and would meet me in the dining room, beneath the skylight.

  

  (The view of the sidewalk outside my window)

  Sure enough, through the pouring rain she came, carrying a black umbrella. She was wearing a light blue habit and a white veil. I heard the door to the house open and close, and I waited several minutes before walking down the stairs.

  

  (The couch in the dining room, beneath the skylight)

  As soon as I saw her through the doorway, sitting there on the couch looking out through the stained glass, my heart melted. She looked at me and smiled, rising to her feet.

  She embraced me and I felt so tangibly consoled and my eyes brimmed with tears. I kept saying, “O Mother, my beautiful, perfect Mother,” over and over again. After a time we say and I offered her my Hail Mary before sharing my request: I desired to know God’s will regarding my father. She offered to accompany me to see her Son in the chapel. Before this, however, I asked if I might remain here with her a while longer, since it had been so long since I had spend any real time with her. So I lay my head on her lap and I recounted that time during the Exercises when I visited her in the castle, and how different I was then when she was only my queen and not yet my mother. Everything has changed so much.

  Soon I was giving her a tour of all our houses before we came finally to the chapel house. She had me wait  in the dining room for several minutes while she spoke with her Son. I saw quietly and prepared myself by reflecting on the sins I would confess before asking Him my favor.

  

  (The side chapel…………………………………………………………..the tabernacle)

  Mary soon returned and led me into the chapel. I knelt outside the bars of the side chapel and said, “Bless me, Lord, for I have sinned; it has been about two weeks since my last confession.” I told Jesus all the sins I could think of and after a time of silence He asked to have my act of contrition.

  “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you, and I no longer deserve to be called your son. Yet you throw the robe of salvation about my shoulders and above all you give me the Body and Blood of your Son as a feast. Therefore I confess my sins and promise to do penance in gratitude for all your labors on my behalf, that I may more fully accept the abundant life you offer me as your son.”

  

  Jesus then raised His pierced hand toward my head and said, “Jacob, by the power of the Holy Spirit and the authority my Father has given me, by my suffering and death on the cross, I absolve you of your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

  I felt such a peace and a rush…and I rose to my feet to enter the side chapel and immediately knelt to kiss His feet…I then knelt where the tabernacle normally would be (since Jesus was there already!), with Mother beside me. She shared with Him the favor I was seeking, and He suggested we walk together to the Basilica to speak with the Father about it. We then rose and embraced each other, and Mother embraced us both. A few thorns of His crown pricked my head and I asked, “Will I have to wear that crown one day?” Not a word was spoken but I felt a rush in my body and knew what the truth was. “Yes,” I thought, “My God, of course; if I am to be your son I must be a king and wear the crown He wore…just promise to prepare me so that when the day comes I may say ‘yes’ with a joyful heart.”

  

  (Interior from the main entrance, looking toward the sanctuary)

  

  (You can see the confessional behind the baptismal font and Easter candle.)

  We then walked to the Basilica and Mary had me wait on the bench outside the confessional while Jesus entered. Eventually she led me to the curtained side for “face-to-face” confession but put a black cloth over my head. (I understood that she didn’t want me to behold the face of God, since that only gets to happen once!!) After she guided me carefully into my seat I offered an Our Father and presented my request. There was only silence. I asked Him if perhaps He has entrusted things to my Mother on the matter, since I received such consolation when going to her in the beginning, of course only to help me come even more fully to Him. I then realized that, of course, if I am to be God’s son I must be raised by her as He was. She brought Him up and did not lead Him astray, and so she would do with me. I knew then in that moment that God my Father would always be with me and would never fail to provide for me. I thanked Him and asked if He would give me His blessing. I felt His hand resting atop my head and…I have never before felt such bliss and joy coursing through me as in that moment, and I do not know how long it lasted. There where moments when I was so consumed by the experience that I utterly forgot everything else, including where I was, that I was kneeling on the floor of my cabin, that it was still raining, etc. and slipped as though beneath the surface of the waters of joy, losing everything but the feeling of His love in my whole self.

  When He withdrew His hand I offered a Glory Be, kissed that hand, and departed for home. My last sight was from my room, watching Mary depart under her black umbrella in the rain.

  Praise God forever, you are so kind to me.

  Earlier today you made me aware of two important things:

  First, that St. Joseph died while Christ was yet young. Thus He came to rely on His true Father all the sooner. You affirmed your Fatherhood at His Baptism. To more closely conform to your Son, you have worked similarly and with much mercy in my own life. What father do I have now, save the Father that adopted me at Rebirth?

  Second and most vitally, while contemplating the Finding of Jesus in the Temple, I realized that my perspective on the matter is all wrong. It is not that my father is removing himself from me or even that you are taking him away. Rather, as with your young Son in the Temple, you are removing me from him, drawing me more closely to Yourself. This is all your doing, all of it. At first I thought you were bringing me consolation amidst brokeness–”reacting” as it were. But I see more clearly that this is what you have desired all along. You are so good to me, Father, so very good.

   

   

  So there you have it, my Xanga brothers and sisters. Please accept this very personal sharing as a gift, and do not be crest-fallen or envious. I promise you that the Father has the same love for each of you, though He will teach each of you according to who you are and where you are in your life with Him. Not all of us can step out of the world for a couple of days like this but I promise you, if you make a habit of silence in your life, even just several minutes every day and just try to be quiet and listen, you’ll hear Him.

  God bless all of you.

  • 1:08 pm
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