September 25, 2009

• How Can I Keep From Singing?

  

   

  Ten years ago today, on September 25th, 1999, I, BrowneyedGirl1017, and one of our brothers received the Sacrament of Confirmation in our home town parish. I don’t remember too much of the preparation classes we had to take that summer, except for free pizza and picking out a patron saint.

  I remember also being a little nervous in meeting the bishop but, finding him to be a humorous and light-hearted man, that tension was quickly done away with. I remember his crosier, a big wooden one that a relative had made for him, and I remember my godfather being my sponsor, and how much older he seemed to look from the last time I saw him. I remember very clearly the smell of the chrism (olive oil), mixed with balsam.

  While the day in itself was pretty special, I didn’t really think much about it after that, as I imagine many Catholics who are confirmed don’t. It just seemed like one of those things that your parents make you go through.

  I am so happy that I was made to go through it, though I didn’t understand what was going on.

  While there is certainly theology and Church teaching behind the Sacrament (of course!), I just wanted to share with you my personal experience of the graces I have received so far, at least those that I have been aware of.

  In 1999 I was a high school sophomore, just getting ready to really fall in love for the first time (here). As those of you who read about that in an entry from last year and then the entries following, that started off a whole chain of events that brought me, in its way, to where I am today. I am so grateful that, albeit without me realizing, that I had the graces of Christ through the Sacrament of Confirmation working within me to lead me along the path God wished me to walk, as difficult as it was at times. However, I gained another companion who helped me in surprising ways: St. Gregory the Great.

  When I was preparing to receive the Sacrament, we were asked to pick out a patron saint. When we are confirmed, there is a tradition that we are confirmed with the name of a patron saint, a role model of sorts that we would look up to as an example of how to live our lives as Christians. Many girls, for example, pick St. Joan of Arc, like my sister BrowneyedGirl1017 did. At the time, I was very big into music, being very fond of playing the tenor saxophone in band and fancying myself to be a “true musician.” I also fancied being a professional musician, even classical (since at the time I held that classical music was the only real music, a view that has since matured considerably), though I did not realize how meager the prospects were for “classical saxophonists.” Nevertheless, I aspired to pick out the patron saint of music. Can you even imagine my disappointment when I discovered this saint to be the lovely but girly St. Cecilia? Granted, I love her greatly now, but at the time the thought of being confirmed “Cecilia” or, worse, “Cecil” got all my boyish nerves in a bunch. So, settling for second-best, I chose St. Gregory the Great, the patron saint of singers (Gregorian chant, anyone?). I figured that a singer is a musician, and I’m a musician, and music is universal. So, Gregory. Fine. Better than St. Hubert, which my brother went with and I teased him about, until I found out that St. Hubert is the patron of hunters and has a very cool conversion story.

  The teasing ceased.

  So I was indeed confirmed “Gregory,” and then forgot about him. Sometimes when I was really nervous in high school choir I would ask him to pray for me, but that was about it.

  It is funny to think about my views on singing while I was in the latter half of grade school (6-12 grades). When I was very young, maybe fourth or fifth grade, I remember singing at Mass one time and after we were missioned to “go in peace to love and serve the Lord,” my sister turned to me and said, “You sing like a girl.” (Sister, don’t feel bad; we cannot regret the things we said to each other so long ago and so young!!) However, even though I never really took anything my sister told me in those years seriously, that one for some reason cut me deep, and I never really sang alone in front of anyone ever again, unless made to in choir rehearsal. I hid in the group, sang my part, and deflected the compliments of my classmates and choir instructor with polite thank yous and “well I’m not that good.”

  It wasn’t until I was at the Newman Center in Laramie, Wyoming and started going to the joint Catholic/Lutheran praise and worship gatherings that I started to sing and not be too self-conscious about it. From that small degree of freedom came the increased freedom of singing to my girlfriend, who adored it (and mourned the fact openly that she couldn’t sing herself, though she loved musicals), and when her mother heard that I could apparently sing, she asked me if I would sing her a song someday, something that I never did and sometimes would like to do, if I had the chance to see her again. But, water under the bridge (several bridges, gosh, five years now!).

  When I was at the University of Northern Iowa, I got involved with the Mass choir at the student center there and a weekend came up when a cantor was unavailable and, somehow, I was asked to do it.

  “Umm… ok?”

  Terror!!

  I was so nervous; not only was I asked to solo in front of a few hundred people, but being a cantor is different from being a soloist performer; it is a ministry. You are helping to lead the prayer and worship of everyone present, you are helping to enrich it. When we as Catholics sing the “Sanctus” (Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might, heaven and earth are full of your glory! Hosanna in the highest! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest! Is. 6:3 and Rev. 4:8), the song is prefaced by the priest who says, “And so we join the angels and saints in proclaiming your glory.”

  No pressure!

  So there I was, getting ready to sing the psalm. The cantor sings the antiphon, which the people echo, and then sings the verse alone, signaling to the people when to repeat the antiphon. Repeat. The antiphon that day was, “This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad!”

  Looking out into the crowd I scanned desparately for a familiar face, and I found one- a high school classmate who I had sung with many times in choir. So I focused on her and everything went fine. Phew!

  I received many kind comments for my singing that day, but took none of them seriously. I of course thought I was horrible!

  But then a year later I was encouraged to try out for the university choir and, somehow, was chosen to be in the top two choirs on campus. I also began taking voice lessons and, to my great surprise, unearthed a treasure trove of vocal gift that I never realized I had. (story here) As I transitioned to novitiate and beyond, I have come more and more to love singing, and when I took this to prayer and looked back on my life, I can definitely see how the Holy Spirit has been working through me ever since receiving that “boost” of grace in the Sacrament of Confirmation, and I know that St. Gregory the Great has been praying for me non-stop since that day I picked him or, rather, Our Lord picked him for me. As a priest, I know that this gift will bring a lot of joy to many people and will help them to pray. Thank you, Jesus Christ, for the outpouring of your Spirit upon me!

  So as a thank you to Him and to share the gratitude with all of you, I wanted to post a recording of me singing, “How Can I Keep From Singing?” which in itself is a motto for my life. For “if Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?” Please pardon the quality; it isn’t like I had a professional studio (instead my bedroom), and I haven’t been able to do any high-quality choral work for a few years now. So my voice isn’t in top shape, but, people still enjoy it. I hope that you do, too, and God bless.

  PS- for any Catholics commenting here, I would LOVE to know your Confirmation saint, if you chose one, and why!

   

  • 11:39 pm
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