July 25, 2008

• Via Dolorosa

  “But Beren being filled with dread, for the splendor of Menegroth and the majesty of Thingol were very great, answered.  Therefore Lúthien spoke, and said: “He is Beren son of Barahir, lord of Men, mighty foe of Morgoth, the tale of whose deeds is become a song even among the Elves.”

   

  “Let Beren speak!” said Thingol. “What would you here, unhappy mortal, and for what cause have you left your own land to enter this, which is forbidden to such as you? Can you show reason why my power should not be laid on you in heavy punishment for you insolence and folly?”

   

  Then Beren looking up beheld the eyes of Lúthien, and his glance went also to the face of Melian and it seemed to him that words were put into his mouth. Fear left him, and the pride of the eldest house of Men returned to him; and he said: “My fate, O King, led me hither, through perils such as few even of the Elves would dare. And here I have found what I sought not indeed, but finding I would possess for ever. For it is above all gold and silver, and beyond all jewels. Neither rock, nor steel, nor the fires of Morgoth, nor all the powers of the Elf-kingdoms, shall keep from me the treasure that I desire. For Lúthien your daughter is the fairest of all the Children of the World.”

                                                                                                                       -The Silmarillion

  

  The evening of that September 1st I was full of peace and consolation, all the questions I had ever had about Mystery Girl and myself having been answered. I felt ready to begin working toward making a decision, and I knew that God was with me. I chatted online with a friend from high school who, amazingly, had been roommates with Mystery Girl the previous year. Since she knew the woman I loved very well, I decided to tell her about our discussion that afternoon and told her how happy I was.

  “Jacob, you have to talk to her soon! She probably thinks you are going to be a priest!”

  “What?! I never said that!”

  “But I know Mystery Girl. She is going to assume that it what you are going to do and she’ll convince herself that everything is over. You have to talk to her!”

  I woke up the next morning full of dread and despair. What was I going to do? I did not want to lose her now; I still did not know what I would decide. What if, after prayerful discernment, I felt God calling me to marriage with her? Would she still be there with a heart for me?

  I knew I had to do something. Fast. I jotted down a list over my lunch hour, a “to do list” of how to save my world:

  -I need to pray.

  -I needed to put all my trust in God.

  -I needed to talk to Mystery Girl soon.

  -I needed to prove to her that I was not messing around, that I really do love her.

  By the time I was done eating, I had realized the perfect way to achieve all of these lofty goals at the same time:

  Pilgrimage.

  Labor Day weeked began the next day, and with three days I knew that I could “easily” walk the forty-some miles to her house. It was easy- just walk down the Interstate, hang a left at exit whatever, and turn right at such-and-such road. How hard could it be?

  So I got a hold of maje_charis, told her my crazy plan, and she took me to Wal-Mart to purchase provisions for my three-day adventure. I bought a loaf of bread, baby carrots, jerkey, bottled water, apples, dried mango slices, and a single rose. I also bought a cardboard poster tube to carry the rose in, so it wouldn’t be damaged.

  That night I prepared myself for war. I laid out my duster (kind of a cowboy-style trenchcoat for rainy days), my cowboy hat, my hiking boots, and I loaded my backpack with all of the food, a Bible, an extra set of clothing, and a few other essentials. I also had purchased a length of rope, on the sage advice of a certain Hobbit named Samwise Gamgee, and this I had maje_charis loop up with her magical rock climbing knot skills, and I also ended up tying three bottles of water to it, since I’d run out of room in my pack. Lastly I had purchased an outdoor blanket, just in case I had to rough it.

  The next morning I awoke,  showered, and geared up, putting on the armor of my resolve. Lastly I put a holy card of the Sacred Heart in my pocket, the prayer on the back being one that I would pray often on my journey. Then maje_charis came to pick me up, all the while remarking (out loud or merely with glances) that this was the craziest thing she had ever done. “What about me?” I thought. I had her drop me off just outside of town, and with a hug I was off…

  The Interstate is terrifying. Huge semi trucks fly by at over seventy miles an hour only four feet to your left, some of them releasing a deafening honk as they do so. A van pulled over to offer me a ride, shaking their heads incredulously as I tried to explain why I could not accept their offer.

  While walking along, I heard the sound of tires squealing. Turning around I saw a pickup truck hauling a UHaul trailer, and it was swerving out of control. I ran into the ditch just as the trailer swept over the spot I had just been walking. Eventually the driver regained control and pulled over… to check his trailer.

  I’m fine, thanks.

  Eventually it started to get very hot, and having already consumed half of my water supply I began looking for homes close enough to the Interstate that I could ask for water. No one seemed to be home anywhere… or weren’t answering.

  I sat down on the side of a gravel road near the Interstate to eat a lunch before continuing, all the while noticing how hot my feet felt, like burning acid. Soon I crossed into the next county and, taking a rest in the shade of an overpass I checked the map I found on the side of the road. I also checked my feet…

  Three of my toes were tipped in large, blue-white blisters. The soles of my feet were basically large pouches of fluid; it felt like walking on ketchup packets. Shrugging my shoulders and praying to God that I’ll be OK, I put on an extra pair of socks to help prevent more blisters from forming and kept going.

  I eventually ran out of water about twenty miles into my trip. I was really getting worried; I had already begun eating apples just to wet my mouth.

  Just when I was ready to call maje_charis to bail me out, a car pulled over to offer me a ride. I took it after seeing that the driver was college-aged and wearing a beanie (you know, those caps with propellers on the top?). They happened to be from UNI and headed for a concert in Cedar Rapids. They asked what I was doing and where I was going, so I told them my reasons and asked to be taken to the nearest town, Brandon, so I could get more water.

  They were amazed and took me to Brandon, but as I was about to get out the driver locked the doors.

  “No, this is crazy! Let me take you to her house.”

  “I have to do this myself…”

  “Look, I don’t want to turn on the news tonight and find out you died or something!”

  After a brief argument, I compromised by letting him drop me off at the exit to her house. He did so.

  And as I waved goodbye to him, I realized that I had forgotten to get more water.

  So I walked down the highway toward Mystery Girl’s house, knocking at every door, hoping that someone would answer. I was dying of thirst and in excruciating pain from my feet, and no one (not even the man with volunteer firefighter everything on his truck) answered their door.

  Just as I was ready to lay down and quit, I came to the last house I could see. A kind old man answered and gladly refilled my water bottles. I drank one dry immediately upon receiving it.

  Filled with a new sense of determination, I pushed myself the last several miles, drawing on a source of energy I didn’t know I had. All the while, every agonizing step I said, “Walk with me Jesus… walk with me Jesus…”

  Eventually I came to her yard, throwing everything I was carrying to the ground except the rose. I limped slowly to her door, ringing the doorbell and leaning on the handrails of the steps for support. When she opened the door and I saw her face, I collapsed at her feet, embracing them and mumbling, “I luh-foo.”

  She and her sister hauled me into the house and put me into a chair, Mystery Girl removing my boots while her sister fetched a glass of ice water. She asked what I was doing and I told her.

  “Not now,” she said, “Let’s just be glad you are here.”

  It wasn’t until later, after I had gone with her to her relative’s house to help celebrate Mystery Girl’s mother’s birthday, that I was able to talk to her in detail as to why I had come.

  “No. No more. I can’t do this anymore. I cried and cried the last few days and talked things over with my friend, and I am just done.”

  And I was… just… crushed.

  But she wouldn’t let me leave, she insisted that I stay until she could take me back to UNI on Labor Day. She refused to let me walk back in my condition (I would’ve called maje_charis first anyways). So I remained with her, all the while hoping I’d get a second chance that never came. Her family adored me, and I did what little I could to help around the farm. I went to her sister’s rodeo, too. Her mother even taught me how to run a dishwasher, since I never had one growing up.

  But eventually she returned me to UNI, and on the way we discussed “us.” Though she truly wanted to remain friends, and not in that cliché way that many relationships end in, she did not feel that she could give her heart to anyone at this busy, hectic time of her life.

  With at least a candle’s flame of hope left in my heart, she dropped me off at my dorm, and I basically never saw her again.

  • 1:06 pm
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