July 19, 2008

• John 11:35

  “But Beren being filled with dread, for the splendour of Menegroth and the majesty of Thingol were very great, answered Therefore Lúthien spoke, and said: “He is Beren son of Barahir, lord of Men, mighty foe of Morgoth, the tale of whose deeds is become a song even among the Elves.”
  -The Silmarillion

  The summer soon came to a close, having yet to reveal to me anything regarding the fate of my letter.

  It was not until the middle of my first week back at UNI that I saw her. Maje_Charis and I were in front of the student union amidst a large number of people when she said, “Hey, isn’t that Mystery Girl?” My head whirled around to see what would have been Helen of Troy on horseback scant ages ago… there, riding away from me was Mystery Girl on her bike, blond hair streaming behind a face full of light and glee.

  I yelled out her name and ran after her as fast as I could in sandals. She slowed and turned, her eyes lighting up as she said my name. As I caught up with her I said (really, I did say this), “I thought I’d never catch you; I may as well chase the sun!”

  I promptly decided that missing my next class was not important, and I walked her home. Upon arriving she treated me to a glass of ice water and a very dry sugar cookie, with her apology for the dryness (really, she could have fed me a handful of sand and I’d have eaten it!). While she propped her feet up on a chair and put ice on her lower legs (shin splints from running), we chatted lightly and after a lovely visit decided to officially catch up on our summers in a few days.

  September 1st, 2005 will forever and always be etched in my mind as a date, though the precise details of the incident are not as clear as they once were. My main recollection consists of a few words said, a few images, scents, sounds, and emotions. Especially emotions.

  It began as a very plain meeting (though a moment with her was hardly plain!). She knocked at my door, and I welcomed her inside. I’d been playing with Google Earth, and she immediately took me on a world tour of the places she had visited in Poland.

  When she had finished, we sat on my bed as she talked about her summer. Then I gave her a few gifts I had picked up in Milwaukee. There was nothing expensive- a book of Pope John Paul II’s poetry, a hand-woven straw cross made by an elderly Polish woman, a lovely green scarf from India, and a few other things. Then I showed her pictures I took during my time with the Jesuits, and talked about the Hispanic children I got to know.

  Eventually the courage to mention the letter, having shrunk sufficiently in size to pass through the lump in my throat to my brain, yet compact enough to have something resembling resolve, moved me to speak.

  “Mystery Girl… have you… have you had a chance to read the letter yet?”

  Her shoulders dropped as she sighed and looked to the floor.

  “No.”

  I was crushed in a sense and, in another, relieved.

  “Why?”

  After a long pause, “I started it once… but I was too afraid of what it was going to ask at the end, so I stopped.”

  More silence passed before I broke it.

  “The letter is no longer important; don’t worry about it anymore. I hope that you read it some day, but let’s talk about things now.”

  So I began to talk about my feelings about the summer I spent with the Jesuits. I talked about how exciting it was and how fulfilling it felt, and how it seemed like something I really could do for the rest of my life. My intention in all of this was to share this knowledge; I was very, very, very careful to use the correct language to convey this desire. I did not want her thinking I had made a decision on anything yet.

  Continuing on the assumption that we were having a dialogue, finally letting to the surface what had lain beneath it for so long, I concluded my words with, “Maybe this is what I’m supposed to do? Maybe God wants me to be a priest?” Again, I was very conscious of word choice and tone, tossing the questions out there just as questions I had and questions I wanted her opinion on.

  What followed was one of the most beautiful two hours of my life.
  What followed was the absolutely most heart-wrenching two hours of my life.

  

  Mystery Girl then began to cry.
  But not just cry. She wept. She lamented in such a way I had never before witnessed in life or film.

  The tears she shed… were I to capture all of them, I could have drowned myself, as I would later wish to. I could have brought life to a great desert, and yet still have enough to destroy it all in a flood. I could literally hear her tears pitter-pattering on my tile floor like rain.

  Between heaving sobs she related to me all that I had yearned for ten long months to hear. For those hours I filled my heart with her truth, thanking God that I could finally begin discerning the road I would take, now that I knew her feelings for me. One particular detail that touched me at the time was when she looked at me, tears streaming down her face, and said, “I’ve been praying for you this whole time… it felt so selfish, but I was begging God to lead you to me… but I didn’t want to tell you… I didn’t want to get in God’s way…”

  I realized at that moment how much she truly loved me, that she would put aside all of her heart’s desire for whatever it was that God willed. I embraced her and we stood together as her tears completely soaked my shirt as though I had been stabbed in the heart, all of my life pouring out.

  Eventually she had nothing left in her, and I was able to look into her beautiful, green eyes. Her lashes were stuck together in little bundles by tears, and her cheeks were flushed from crying.

  I remember the salty smell of the tears… I remember the scent of her hair, always like cornsilk… I remember the feel of her breath on my neck as she looked up at me (she was shorter than I)… I remember being able to feel her heartbeat in my wrists and forearms as I held her… I remember seeing the many raindrops on my floor that had fallen from such a beautiful raincloud…

  As she slowly began to smile again, I felt moved to mark the occasion. We had literally reached a new beginning (I thought), with the full and complete truth revealed to each other, and now we could enter together in prayer and discernment, endeavoring with Christ to discover God’s will for our lives, be it together in a relationship that would (God-willing) be called into marriage, or be it that we sacrifice our love for each other for the sake of the Kingdom, and I become a priest.

  I asked her if I could wash her feet, as a way of entering deeper into the will of God and a way of recognizing the new aspect our relationship had taken on- a loving prayer-relationship.

  She consented to this, and I filled a bowl with warm water and washed her feet. It was very humbling for me… I’d never washed the feet of one I loved so much. She seemed very close to more tears, but I could not tell for sure, and throughout those moments she said not a word. When finished, we said our goodbyes and she was on her way home.

  Everything seemed wonderful.

  Before I continue this story in the next update, here follows the letter that Mystery Girl never read. Whether or not she has read it since, I do not know. But here it is, very slightly edited.

  “Dear Mystery Girl,

  Please forgive me if any part of this letter brings any form of distress upon you; it was not my intention.

  It is no mystery to you what feelings I possess regarding yourself. I love you completely, unconditionally, with every aspect of my being. I know you are aware of this. Everything I have ever written you has made this clear, and I have told you in person on several occasions.

  Early in February when we finished watching “City of Angels,” I said something I might end up regretting for the rest of my life. When I told you about what I felt God might have had in mind when He brought you into my life, about how perhaps you were a lesson in which I was to learn how to love everyone, I tried to say it in a way that was as clear and as careful as possible. By telling you this, I did not mean to close the door in your face, not in the least. Never would I dare do such a thing! When you reacted as you did with tears and gentle frustration I was confused and I did not understand why hearing such things would upset you so. When I held you in the darkness and felt your hand clutching my fingers, when I felt your hot tears dropping onto my arms, when I smelled your hair and your breath and the tears on your face, I loved you even more than before. (** a small portion has been removed for personal reasons. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything steamy. **)When you left suddenly, when you were ripped away from me by duty, I loved you even more. I wanted so badly to kiss you, to show without a doubt and without words that I loved you, but I feared at the time that a kiss would be too much. I feared that you never wanted anything between us except friendship. So I stayed my lips and restrained my heart.

  The next day I wondered, bewildered as to why my words could have upset you so. Then it struck me, and when that wonderful and terrible realization dawned within my mind I was at once seized by joy and horror. I wondered if you might have loved me in return, and upon hearing my words you felt that I was unable or unwilling to return that love, causing you to think that you loved too little, too late, or maybe you were afraid that loving me might mean losing me to the priesthood later. Perhaps I was wrong in this conclusion, I don’t know, but judging from what you said the following morning (** again, edited**) I felt that I was fairly accurate in my realization. When I began looking into the Jesuits, I promised God that I would look into it, look. I never felt that God was telling me to become a Jesuit, or even a priest, but it was something He wanted me to look into for a reason only He knows. I know also that He meant for you to be in my life, and though I do not quite know what He wants, I do know what my heart yearns for. I have talked to my priest and a couple of the sisters at my church about my dilemma, and they tell me that they faced similar situations in their own journeys. However, they all agree that love is something worth pursuing. God is love, and few things make God happier than a love between two people strong in faith. Even my priest told me that the world is just as much in need of good, holy, relationships as it is in need of priests. If you want to love me, have no fear of me. If I give you my heart, only you can ever give it back. I can serve God just as well and just as faithfully in love with a woman as I can alone as a priest. The vocation director of the Jesuits sent me a small book called “Challenge.” It is a guide for a daily meditation that lasts for 36 weeks in which you ask yourself different questions, examining yourself, your faith, God, and how you fit into His plan. When I first started the exercise I was pretty excited about the Jesuits for a couple reasons. Firstly, it held great appeal for me. Second, I thought at the time that my chance to have your love had come and gone. Imagine my terror the weekend before Valentine’s Day when I realized your feelings for me!

  Still, I continued to pray and meditate on what God’s plan was for me, and there were times when I even tried to stop loving you, to imagine not having you in my life. I couldn’t do it, no matter how hard or how long I tried. The more I meditate on my life, the more I keep coming back to you. It took trying not to love you to realize how much I do love you. I feel God, through all these long months, has been forcing me to pursue you in the right way as He tells us in Thessalonians 4:3-5:

  “This is the will of God, your holiness: that you refrain from immorality, that each of you know how to acquire a [woman] for himself in holiness and honor, not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles who do not know God.”

  [Edited to protect a third party... nothing huge] In regards to my love for you, I have never prayed so hard for God’s guidance and influence for anything in my life. Back in November, when I told you how I felt about you, I was not lying. Nor was I confused. However, it was too early and I feel God has put situations and choices in my way ever since to slow me down, to force me to ask Him for help and guidance, to make sure I do this the right way. If we had entered a relationship in November, I doubt I would have been able to watch you grow more beautiful every day from afar, I would not have been able to appreciate the peace and comfort you bring me in times of distress, and I would not be able to love every rare and precious moment I spend with you. All would have been taken for granted. God has forced me to slow down and pursue you step by glorious and painful step, even coming so close as to losing you just to prove how much I love you, and how dreadful the mere thought of such an occurrence is to me.

  Ever since February I have wanted to tell you that you were not too late, that I still love you, even more so than before. Each sun that dawns, each time I see you, each moment I spend with you causes that love to grow more and more. But, as you are an extremely busy person, I have not had the opportunity to tell you directly. As of late you have been carrying a great burden of responsibilities and I did not wish to force you to carry another cross. So I have waited, hoping that perhaps a spare moment could be found to discuss with you face to face how I feel about you, hoping even that the poetry I gave you for Valentine’s Day might inspire a question that would lead you to me. This letter is the failsafe in the event such a spare moment, such a spark is not found.

  Mystery Girl, I have no words that could come close to describing how much I love you. I am sorry if this declaration frightens you; please believe me when I say that I do not wish to pressure you or frighten you in any way with it. I do, however, still wish to give you some insight as to my feelings, and I think that the main character of the play “Cyrano de Bergerac” knew exactly how I feel about you:

  “Surely, this feeling which pervades me, so terrible and jealous, is truly love; it has all the melancholy madness of love-and yet it is not selfish! Ah! How gladly would I sacrifice my happiness for yours, even if you should never know anything about it, if it might happen sometimes that from afar I might hear the laughter of your gladness born of my self-sacrifice! Each look from you arouses new virtue, new valor in me! Are you beginning to understand now? Can you account for it? Do you feel my soul a little, as it climbs in the darkness? Oh! But truly, this night is far too beautiful, it is too sweet! I am telling you all this, you are listening to me, to me, you! It is too much! Nothing is left for me now but to die! On account of the words I say she is trembling like a leaf among leaves!”

  Cyrano was a man with an abnormally long nose and was considered a very unattractive man. However, he was pure of heart and though he knew he could never win his love’s heart with his looks, he won her with his words and his soul. I know I am not the most attractive man in the world, but I swear to you that my heart knows only your name among all women, and that my eyes see more beauty in you than all the beauty in the world. I wish I were a mirror so you could see yourself as I see you, how truly beautiful you are to me. I wish I could describe the soul I see when I look at you, I wish you could feel the joy that makes my heart leap when you are near! When I think about you there are times when I weep for no apparent reason. Many nights while praying for you I cry, so strongly do I love you. My heart is near bursting with love, I feel it quivering like a dam near its breaking point, waiting for you to say but one word to release the flood of affection that has gathered there these past months.

  You are the greatest inspiration I have ever had in all my life. Writing poetry and prose for a woman I have feelings for is nothing new, I have done it before. But, NEVER before have I been able to continuously pour myself through a pen and bleed onto paper so often for so long for one sole person. The inspiration you give me is never ceasing, never waning, never fading. Every moment I spend with you, every sensation I experience with you, every mention of your name is as precious as the first, and treasured as dearly as if it were the last. Again Cyrano says:

  “All those, all those, all those [words] which come to me, I am going to throw you in a bunch, without arranging them in a bouquet: I love you, I am stifling, I love thee, I am mad, I can say no more, it is too much; your name is like a bell in my heart, and as I tremble all the time, the bell is continually moving and the name ringing out! I remember everything about you, for I have loved everything! I know that one day last year, the twelfth of May, when you went out in the morning, your hair was dressed in a different fashion! Your hair had been to me a shining light that just as after looking too long at the sun one sees crimson circles everywhere, so when I turned from your overwhelming blaze, my dazzled eyes see only golden clouds!”

  I know you feel bad about not being able to spend very much time with me or about not having time to read my poetry. I forgive you completely. EVERY moment I am with you is precious to me, no matter how distant or fleeting.

  “Why, yes; it is heavenly. We can hardly make each other out. You see the blackness of a long trailing cloak. I distinguish the whiteness of a summer gown: I am only a shadow, and you only a gleam of light! You have no idea what these moments mean to me!”

  Mystery Girl you are the most amazing person I have ever met. You carry a tremendous burden and you do so with the strength of titans and the grace of angels. Every night I pray that God will continue to bless you with strength, with endurance, and grace to continue to be amazing and wonderful and I also pray that, if He wishes, these things are taken from me in any amount so that His grace might be a gift from the both of us. I would be all too happy to carry as much of your burdens as you would allow, and if the burden crushed me I would gladly be buried in the earth in hopes of feeding a beautiful flower for you to enjoy.

  Of all the things I want in life right now, I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I have tried as best I can to provide happiness for you without crossing any lines you may or may not have drawn. My greatest fear is causing you pain, even the slightest pain. Mystery Girl, I love you as much as a man can possibly love a woman, and you are the final woman I ever want to fall in love with. I have fallen so hard, and I never want to get up again. There is no other woman among all the women of the earth that I want to give my life to, and I know that I could wander the universe for many lifetimes and never come across a woman as truly incredible as you.

  As I come to the closing of this letter, I wish to make it known that my love for you FAR outweighs my need for you. Do you understand this? I will love you for the rest of my life, be it one moment past your reading of this letter or a million years. My heart is yours forever, even if you do not love me the same way in return. I have waited many months to ask you a daring question, and I hope that it does not bring you any pain or discomfort, but I cannot contain it much longer and I certainly could not contain it over the course of the summer. Mystery Girl, how do you feel about me? Should I love you as a friend, or do you wish me to love you as a man loves a woman? Please understand this too; that I am not asking us to be a couple right now. I can wait as long as you wish, until you are ready. I understand that you are busy, that you wish to focus on other things for the time being. I want you to know that I can wait as long as you need me to. I will wait until you graduate from UNI if you ask me to, I will wait until you finish grad school if you ask me to, and I will wait until the LAST DAY if you ask me to; any wait would be worth it but only if I know that you are waiting at the end. If I am the man you want, please, claim me. I will put myself on a shelf so high that only God and you could possibly reach it. I would turn away the heart of Aphrodite herself if I knew that I would have your love one day. Please, I must know what you wish of me. Do not fear the truth, no matter how brutal. You cannot harm me with it; only a lie could do so. My love can wait; it will not go anywhere without you. It will not lessen or diminish in any way.

  Do you understand what I ask? Merely tell me what you wish of me, and it will be done. I love you so much that you could tell me that you wish for us only ever to be friends, nothing more, and I will grant you only friendship and I will love you only as is proper between friends. I would throw all my romantic hopes and dreams aside at your asking. You have only but to ask. I will not give up on you, I will not surrender unless that surrender is a gift I give you out of love. Please, I beg of you, I must know how you feel. Even if you are unsure, let me know if it is all right to remain hopeful, to continue dreaming, to continue to write you poetry, to continue to hear a symphony in your voice, to continue to see the beauty of nature in your form, to continue to smell the summer cornfields in your hair and roses upon your breath, to continue to feel silk in your skin, to imagine the taste of honey in your kiss, to so strongly love the soul I see within you. If you wish me never to feel this way again, tell me and it will be so. I will banish all these thoughts, these feelings and you will never have to fear this heart again.

  Again, please forgive me if this letter brought anything unpleasant to you. I ask only for a reply of some nature in your own time so I know what life I am to live from this moment on. God bless you Mystery Girl, and I thank you with all that I have for taking a moment to consider the contents of this letter.

  All that I am, “Ancient Scribe”

  “What happiness to reign a lonely king,

  Vext- O ye stars that shudder over me,

  O earth that soundest hollow under me,

  Vext with waste dreams? for saving I’d be join’d

  To her that is the fairest under heaven,

  I seem as nothing in the mighty world,

  And cannot will my will, nor work my work

  Wholly, nor make myself in mine own realm

  Victor and lord. But were I join’d with her,

  Then might we live together as one life,

  And reigning with one will in everything

  Have power on this dark land to lighten it,

  And power on this dead world to make it live.”

  -From “Idylls of the King”

  

  • 9:20 pm
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