June 28, 2008

• “I AM the Lord thy God…”

  “But she vanished from his sight; and he became dumb, as one that is bound under a spell, and he strayed long in the woods, wild and wary as a beast, seeking for her. In his heart he called her Tinuviel, that signifies Nightingale, daughter of twilight, in the Grey-elven tongue, for he knew no other name for her. And he saw her afar as leaves in the winds of autumn, and in winter as a star upon a hill, but a chain was upon his limbs.”
  -The Silmarillion

  

  To tell this portion of the story and the next, I will paste here the very same email I sent to the vocations director of the Society of Jesus, shortly after I felt God calling me to the Jesuits. It relates the period of time after my first meeting with God (the rough day mentioned at the end of the previous post), the time afterward, my giving up Mystery Girl, meeting God again, and the days following that. Enjoy this “historical” document!

  On the Sunday before Thanksgiving my girlfriend of one year and five months broke up with me. The biggest reasons, I found out later, where that she became envious of a friend I had made up here at college and that I would not have sex with her. I still don’t understand why these two issues would drive someone to end such a long-
  lasting relationship, but if they bothered her that much, I can’t say that I am too sad to see her go, now that I know what she valued most in a relationship.
  However, the blow still hit hard. She had been my first “girlfriend,” something I had wanted for many many years and now she was gone. For about the next month I was miserable. I soon fell for another girl, a friend of mine named Mystery Girl. She is a very religious young lady, something my ex-girlfriend was not. She is a wonderful person and I still love her dearly. I told this girl how I felt about her and she just wanted to be friends. It was painful to
  hear, but I promised her that I would do that. I would just be friends with her. I still, however, secretly hoped that maybe she would change her mind. I knew for a fact that God had put her in my life for a good reason, and at the time I thought it was because we were meant to be together, or that He was using her as an example of the type of woman I was meant to be with. I found out later I was wrong on both accounts, which I will disuss later.
  During this time I was praying my rosary quite often, and I definitely was praying before bed every night. I was praying for comfort and guidance, as well as praying for God to tell me what he had in mind for Mystery Girl and I. Were we to be in love? Were we to be friends? I wanted to know.
  On December 11th I was in a miserable mood and needed company. I went down to the lounge on 10th floor in my building and found Mystery Girl and our friend Mandy making Christmas goodies. So I hung out with them for a short while, after which Mandy had to leave and Mystery Girl had to go deliver goodies. She said she would be back soon and I promised to watch her stuff while she was gone. After she left I realized I had nothing to do, so I took the opportunity to pray my rosary. (Being a 4th Degree Knight of Columbus, I have a rosary in my pocket at all times.)
  I prayed earnestly for comfort. I felt so alone and unguided. I begged God, Mary, and Jesus for the comfort that only they could give as Holy Father, Mother, and Brother. About three decades into my rosary I was seized by an incredible feeling. I started shaking, I became very cold, I started to cry, I was scared, I felt very small, and I could not stop praying. I wanted to run but I couldn’t. I wasn’t scared like I was going to be hurt or something, but more scared like I was in the presence of someone WAY bigger than me and I felt unworthy of it.
  This experience lasted for almost the last two decades, and then Mystery Girl came back and it suddenly ended. I sat on the lounge couch in complete shock. I had NO idea what just happened. Mystery Girl came in and got back to work while I wiped the tears from my face, and after a few minutes I asked her if she had ever been touched by God. She said no, but admitted that her sister had and she told me the story. I then told her what happened to me just moments before she walked in the room. She was amazed and prayed with me and comforted me in my uncertainty and fear.
  The next day I talked to my priest about what happened to me and he encouraged me to pray about it. I told him that I felt like God had called me to get my attention but didn’t tell me what to do. It was more like He said, “Hey, pay attention.” I still didn’t know what He wanted of me, I just knew that He wanted me to get ready to be
  informed. From that day forward I prayed for guidance as well as comfort. I told God that I wanted to do His will, no matter what it was. I begged Him to let me serve him. For over a month I didn’t hear a thing.
  During this time I was crazy about my friend Mystery Girl. I thought that recent events were a sure sign that we were meant to be together. A few weeks ago I was praying for comfort and I just became overwhelmed with feelings of lonliness, uselessness, and being lost. I just huddled into a ball on my bed and just wept, admitting out loud that I
  was weak and I needed strength from God. I felt better afterwards, but not quite fulfilled. Looking back on it, I can see that it was the first step towards being ready for God’s message.
  Last weekend on January 22nd I spent the day getting ready to go to a swing concert with Mystery Girl and her best friend. I bought a new shirt and got my haircut for the first time in several years. I wanted to look my best for her. While shopping I had a discussion with Mandy and found out that Mystery Girl was trying to work things out with another young man. I had not realized this previously and felt TERRIBLE for possibly making that harder for her. That evening I surrendered, I gave up my hope for being with her in a romantic relationship. I even went so far as to say it out loud. I promised myself that I would think of her only as a wonderful friend and nothing beyond that. I feel it was during that moment of surrender that God deemed me ready.
  The next evening I was in an RCIA class with my candidate, having been asked by Sister Joanna a few days previous to be a sponsor. During the class the speaker mentioned the Jesuits briefly, and at that moment I felt that feeling from back in December return for a moment. I got chills all over my body and felt as if God was getting my attention again. During the break I asked Sister Joanna if there was ANY information on the Jesuits and she got me a brochure from the
  wall. I read it and started realizing that everything in there fit me and the type of life I’ve been wanting to live without realizing it. I talked to the priest after Mass that evening and he encouraged me to contact the Jesuits for information and to look into it.
  That night I couldn’t sleep. The return of that feeling was comforting because it let me know God was still working with me. However, since it didn’t complete the message I’d gotten in the first place, I was somewhat distressed. Was this what God wanted me to do? So, when in doubt and when I can’t sleep, I pray. I prayed my rosary for guidance and discernment. Is this what you want me to do God? Is this your will? About two decades in I had an answer.
  While lying in my bed praying, I was seized by that same powerful feeling. Commanding, strong, but this time it was warm, almost hot and very internal. It was bright and glorious and I found myself at peace in a way I had never known before. Then, God in His way told me that this is something He wanted me to explore. This whole Jesuit thing was important and He wanted me to walk down that road. Whatever He has in mind, it is somewhere along the way.
  The very next day I talked to my friend Mystery Girl and the priest about it. Mystery Girl was thrilled to hear that God came back to me and she is just amazed to see God working directly with someone. The priest was excited as well and encouraged me to keep praying and to definitely look into the Jesuits. He also let me know that he is willing to help me with any part of it if I need help. I started emailing you and looking on the Internet and I also talked with both of the sisters at my church, asking them their story and telling them mine. So far I strongly feel that this message from God is a genuine vocation to a religious life of some sort and that the Jesuits are where He wants me to start.
  Considering a religious life is not completely new to me. When I was in middle school a cousin of mine was staying with us. Out of the blue he said in all seriousness that I had the right attitude to be a priest. I dismissed it immediately. Why would I want to do that? For the rest of my life that memory resurfaced time and time again.
  Whenever I didn’t know what to do with my life, the possibility of a religious life came bobbing back up from the depths of my mind.
  After I joined the Knights of Columbus and started becoming active in it I realized how much I enjoyed belonging to a community that existed to serve others. I realized I could definitely make a life out of service to others, I just didn’t know how to make it happen. I knew the Knights was a start, but since that isn’t really a “career”; I had to look around to see what could be. I looked at everything from teaching to military service and neither really seemed quite right.
  Though I transferred to UNI to teach, it never was really something I felt too strongly about, it was just something I was told I would be good at. When I started looking into the Jesuits, I realized that I could live a life of service, I could make a “career” out of it.
  So that is, for the most part, why I’ve been getting in touch with you. Oh, I promised to discuss what I feel God’s plan was for me and Mystery Girl. Here is my theory.
  I mentioned before that I thought for dead sure that either God meant for us to be together, or that she was to be an example of the type of woman I was meant to be with. I was completely off. I think God took so long to get back to me because Mystery Girl was the focus of my efforts and attention. There was too much “noise” and I couldn’t hear Him talking. When I surrendered myself, when I turned off “the noise” He knew I was ready to listen. Even though I gave up pursuing her romantically, she and I are still very close friends, a friendship I wouldn’t give up for anything. Through this experience God has taught me how it is completely possible and appropriate to love someone completely without having or feeling the need for a romantic or physical relationship. I know that if I can learn to love everyone like that, I will be set. I feel that through her and God I have learned to love like God and how Christ taught us. Love without condition. And this isn’t the only lesson I realized I learned in my life. I can look back at almost any past experience and realize the lesson God taught me through it and how it has prepared me for the life I am considering. When God came to me last week and told me what He had in mind, I felt completed. It was so clear. It was like dumping out a box of puzzle pieces and they all land in place on their own. I seriously want to pursue this and any help you and the Jesuits can offer will be greatly appreciated. I spent a great deal of time begging God for guidance and comfort and He pulled through. Now it’s my turn to put that gift into action.

  *******
  Certainly I have learned and understood much since writing this email. But I think this gives you the clearest picture of my experience and thinking at the time.

  I had no idea, though, that only a week or so after sending this email, I would come to find out that Mystery Girl was very deeply in love with me.

  ::edit:: I SWEAR I indented everything… I don’t know why they didn’t stay. Sorry if that complicates anyone life more than they needed! Everything is indented here in the weblog entry box!! Argh!

  • 3:21 pm
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