May 10, 2008

• Breakthrough

  It is with great joy that I relate to you one of the most important lessons of my life, a lesson that would shape my heart and soul in ways that would, much to my surprise, lead me closer to God. May I formally introduce my high school classmate, poweralto84. As you can very plainly see by her profile pic, she is absolutely gorgeous, and as far as I have known in the past and still believe, this beauty comes from a deep wellspring of grace within her heart- what you see is merely the reflection of the truer beauty shining within.

  You see, it was through this very woman, the one whose blog you have hopefully linked to briefly, that God reached into the very core of my being and flipped a switch that gave me an instantanous insight- the young woman known to us here as poweralto84 is a truly beautiful woman.

  Here’s how it happened, as best as I can recall.

  I have been a classmate of poweralto84 as long as I can remember, perhaps even as far back as kindergarten, but I definitely remember her from my elementary and middle school days. She has always been very pretty, and I remember her being so even when I was going through the “girls-are-icky” phase of boyhood. I always remember her seeming to be shy, quiet and always polite. I never really got to know her very much, though, until we were in high school.

  I believe it was the fall of our senior year… I can’t remember exactly; it could have been the spring of our junior year, too. At any rate, the time for student-directed plays was upon us and auditions had begun. My friend, known as Claire in the previous post, had written a play and I promised her I would audition for it. Being that I am always willing to help out, our drama teacher had me read parts for other plays to help out people auditioning in them. When the cast lists came out, I had been chosen for the lead role in a play called, “Ambivalence.” I was shocked and slightly terrified; I had never done theater and here I had the lead in a one-act play!

  The play was about a young man who is the passenger of the car when his father, the driver, crashes and ends up being killed. The young man is plagued by the tragedy, and throughout the play there is an angel and demon behind each shoulder guiding or goading him at every moment. The idea of suicide begins to creep into his life, but the angel continues to remind him of the young woman whom he loves, and this keeps him clinging to life for the first part of the play. This woman, who was named Sarah I think, was portrayed by poweralto84.

  I remember first seeing the cast list, her name being below my own. The first thought that went through my head was, “I hope there isn’t a kissing scene!” Not that the thought of kissing so lovely a lady was disgusting in any way whatsoever, but the thought of my first kiss being a fake, onstage kiss chilled my heart. Also, the thought of someone as base as myself kissing someone so beautiful filled me with terror and a strong sense of unworthiness, an experience that literary characters like Quasimodo and The Phantom of the Opera could relate to very well indeed.

  In the middle of the play, my character is eventually pressured by the demon to jump off of a bridge, though the lights in the auditorium turn off in just the right moment to leave the audience wondering, “Did he really jump?”

  Then comes the “infamous bedroom scene,” jokingly named so simply because it is set in a bedroom (and nothing else!). There was a bed in the center of the stage in which poweralto84′s character peacefully slept. In comes my character from the shadows, sitting on the edge of her bed. She awakens, relieved to see me and asking where I have been for the last two weeks. I reply in very broad, riddle-ridden answers before the demon comes to take me away, leaving her character in tears and hysterics. THE END.

  So.

  One night at rehearsal we were practicing “the bedroom scene.” I was very, very nervous because we had only recently dropped script and I believe it was also a dress rehearsal. You see, normally, during this scene I was blessed with having a script to bury my eyes and face in. This night was different, though I had no idea how life-altering it would end up being.

  During this scene I looked straight into poweralto84′s beautiful eyes and I froze. I couldn’t remember any of my lines. The only thing I could think of was how beautiful she was. Of course, I already knew she was beautiful, but something about this moment was different. Her beauty was being seen differently now.

  The vision of her stayed with me for several weeks and continually caused me to ponder the mystery of that moment. What had changed? Why was this so important? What was happening to me? I began to think I was falling in love with her, but I quickly dismissed it because it felt so radically different. Then, out of the blue, it hit me.

  It was adoration. It was awe. It was the realization of true beauty. I was shocked; I had never considered such a thing before. It hit me then and there, however, that something inside me had changed from being able to appreciate women as being beautiful, changed from holding them in high regard, treating them honorably, and many other good attitudes, beliefs and behaviors I had towards women. All of that was based mainly on chivalrous idealism, attraction, and as a way to apologize for my own perceived “hideousness.”

  But all of that changed because of what I saw in her eyes. I realized that within that woman and, truly, every woman, lay a beauty that could, if fully revealed, turn the very sun to ash with its intensity. It was because of this beauty that I must adore, honor, respect and love women; not because some code or idea told me to. What good are those things if they exist only for their sake? Such things need a higher purpose, a true calling and firm justification. This beauty was it; suddenly my life had a purpose beyond itself or even other people in general- it had an eternal, universal purpose.

  I also realized that very few women, including poweralto84, realized this about themselves. It was as though the very night sky did not know that it possessed the beauty of the stars within its very self; it knew only of the black between them all. I resolved to tell poweralto84 about it, about what I had seen within her. It was a far greater effort than I ever realized it could be, but after a matter of hours over instant messenger, the truth of her beauty began to sink in. It was at the time the greatest thing I had ever accomplished and I was overjoyed at being the one to help her realize such a truth about herself. Still to this day, so she has told me, that discussion brings her consolation amidst the pressures and standards of our world. As we moved on to college, she was a great poetic inspiration for me, and I had the great honor and gift of being her personal poet for almost two months.

  How has this brought me closer to God?

  I did not know it at the time, but that deep inner beauty that I had stumbled upon, truly, was the very nature of God’s beauty; it was my first, close-encounter with God that I am aware of. When I was able to sense and sometimes even see the beauty of women in this new way, I was really seeing the face of God reflected upon the mirror of each woman. Over the years my appreciation, awe and adoration of woman’s beauty has brought me deeper and deeper into gratitude for God having created Eve, for gifting all of His creation with such beauty that I, me, this ordinary creature, might be reduced to nothing more than a teary-eyed beggar in the face of God’s image spilling His beauteous light all over my heart!

  During my time in the noviate I have grown deeper in this gift, especially as I learn and live chastity and prepare for the vow in August. Though this gift made me anticipate the vow with great dread and sadness in my first months, I have come to see and realize what an encounter I am being given with God in the beauty and life of every woman I meet- in every woman I encounter the very Love I wish to vow myself to forever. This realization has brought me so much joy and peace that I sometimes can barely contain my happiness, and very rarely does the thought of a celibate and chaste life bring me any sadness except when coupled with memories which will be related in later posts. I pray always that this gift, to see women on such a level beyond what fashion magazines, pornography, film and other media try to make us see, will help me to bring them all closer to the very source of the beauty within them- our amazing, all-beautiful, all-loving God.

  So, to all of you women who visit my blog, God bless all of you and thank you for sharing the gift of your beauty–God’s own beauty–with me.

  • 7:00 pm
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