March 31, 2006


  • So here is a thought I overheard in a discussion this past week. I thought it was a very good question.


    Suppose you are at a point in your life where you do not want to be in a relationship. Say, for example, you are about to graduate college and will be leaving the state in two months. Or, perhaps, you feel like you need time to be alone for a while, to figure out exactly what kind of a relationship you want, what kind of person you are looking for, whatever ever. There are dozens of reasons why a person would not want to be in a relationship.


    Anyways, the discussion was, “Is it right to tell a person that, in other circumstances, you would love to be with them?” For example, you are at one of these points in your life where you know a relationship isn’t what you want. Yet, you find yourself having deep feelings for a person, and you would very much like to be in a relationship with them. Circumstances being what they are, you decide not to go there, yet you feel like you still should let them know how you feel. Do you tell that person?


    I thought it was very interesting. People said things like, “no, that wouldn’t be very fair to just say ‘I love you, but I can’t be with you. Sorry,’ and then leave it at that.” or “yes, you should at least be honest about how you feel. At least that person will know that they are loved by someone out there.”


    So I thought I would open up discussion to the Xanga world and see what you all come up with. Hope it proves to be thought provoking!

Comments (9)

  • #2… honesty is always the best choice in my book, even if it hurts. it would be better to know that someone out there cares that deeply about you than to not know and be left wondering if they ever did.

  • Definitely tell them. It would be more fair to the both of you to be honest with yourself and eachother.

  • Before leaving, I had to tell a girl that she was pretty and funny, but shouldn’t concern herself with me because I was soon gone.
    But she had to know, if I had not been leaving, if it would have worked out.
    I had to admit that, for whatever unpinnable reason, I just didn’t like her in that way.

    Anways, I think you should tell someone how special they are to you instead of the old cliche, “I love you.”

  • I would generally concur; if it were me, I’d rather know, although it’s hard on both sides to just broach the subject sometimes.  But I suppose, in the case of *not* leaving, that I would try to focus on loving someone as a friend.  Friendships can be incredibly deep and valuable without being a romantic relationship.  And who knows?  Maybe it’s the place to start anyway. 

  • Always be honest.  That being said, I think you could still try to maintain a friendship.  That way they are still in your life but not necessarily in a romantic way.  And it always leaves the possibility open if circumstances and locations change down the road.  :)   I’m such an optimist!

  • Going through a similar decision at the moment, I can see the reason with being honest, but debate how that would benefit a friendship to know that information about what a friend felt about you, as you depart to another part of the world, be it academically or in a career. There’s always going to be that doubt in your mind, and I see it causing more turmoil than it helps. I know it’s better to be honest, but each time I have been, I’ve been hurt emotionally for doing so. For once, I just wish them the best in the world.

    Imagine it from the other end, a friend who likes the other person, knowing all of the above yet still is debating telling a close friend what he thinks of her, out of the harm it could definitely do to the friendship. The friendhip has already had “the discussion” happpen a year before, and they remained good friends after broaching the subject, but now the same person is reading some of the same things from said friend again, and doesn’t know what to think, especially since they’ve been burned before…

    That’s my own situation, and while I agree honesty is probably best, I don’t want to lose this friend. It’s tearing me up, piece by piece, because I do want the person to be happy in life, even if it isn’t with a lug like me but I do have three years invested into this friendship I don’t want to lose, just because I can’t control the way I feel. At every turn, I’m faced with telling the person or suffering quietly. I choose to suffer quietly, as it’s easier than putting a friendship at risk, and at least they’re still in my life. Any advice for that situation?

  • Where was my hug!?!?…heehee

  • I’ve had to make a decision like that recently. Of course I have the added problem of friends who ‘think a boyfriend would be good for me’ at this point. So I’m constantly getting hooked up and having to turn the poor guy down. I told my friend to stop, but she insists I need to get out and have fun. Sheesh.

    Anyways, I’m a bit of a chicken and will usually ‘loose’ my cell phone for a couple of months.

  • i would want to be told. you know me, jake, give me honesty or give me death.

    my boyfriend and i are trying to make that decision. we have a year of college left, but at this point, our relationship is solid enough that it seems inevitable. he is devoted to his family and hometown of austin, texas; i to my parents, who will never leave iowa. if we want to be together, one of us is going to have to give up the things we love most. what’s worse, we may not even be accepted to the same graduate schools, though we are applying together.

    i think we’ve come to the conclusion that, assuming we are still together at the end of college, we will find a way to stay together. but at what cost…

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