August 27, 2005


  • Tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow, if all things work out, I will be talking face-to-face with Mystery Girl. This will be the first time I’ve seen her since the first week of May. My thoughts and feelings are as thoroughly ambivalent as one can imagine, and my mind is racing too fast to possibly stop or catch up to.


        To help everyone understand better what is at stake, I am going to post, one page at a time, a letter which I delivered to Mystery Girl on April 1st. I do not know if she has yet read the letter, but it is in her possession. Hopefuly it will be an insiteful, if length, read for all who partake. Enjoy.


    NOTE: The name has been changed to protect the innocent from any inquiry, embarrassment, and other such pursuits.


    Dear Mystery Girl,


    Please forgive me if any part of this letter brings any form of distress upon you; it was not my intention.


    It is no mystery to you what feelings I possess regarding yourself. I love you completely, unconditionally, with every aspect of my being. I know you are aware of this. Everything I have ever written you has made this clear, and I have told you in person on several occasions.


    Early in February when we finished watching “City of Angels,” I said something I might end up regretting for the rest of my life. When I told you about what I felt God might have had in mind when He brought you into my life, about how perhaps you were a lesson in which I was to learn how to love everyone, I tried to say it in a way that was as clear and as careful as possible. By telling you this, I did not mean to close the door in your face, not in the least. Never would I dare do such a thing! When you reacted as you did with tears and gentle frustration I was confused and I did not understand why hearing such things would upset you so. When I held you in the darkness and felt your hand clutching my fingers, when I felt your hot tears dropping onto my arms, when I smelled your hair and your breath and the tears on your face, I loved you even more than before. (** a small portion has been removed for personal reasons. Don’t worry, you didn’t miss anything steamy. **)When you left suddenly, when you were ripped away from me by duty, I loved you even more. I wanted so badly to kiss you, to show without a doubt and without words that I loved you, but I feared at the time that a kiss would be too much. I feared that you never wanted anything between us except friendship. So I stayed my lips and restrained my heart.


    The next day I wondered, bewildered as to why my words could have upset you so. Then it struck me, and when that wonderful and terrible realization dawned within my mind I was at once seized by joy and horror. I wondered if you might have loved me in return, and upon hearing my words you felt that I was unable or unwilling to return that love, causing you to think that you loved too little, too late, or maybe you were afraid that loving me might mean losing me to the priesthood later. Perhaps I was wrong in this conclusion, I don’t know, but judging from what you said the following morning (** again, edited**) I felt that I was fairly accurate in my realization. When I began looking into the Jesuits, I promised God that I would look into it, look. I never felt that God was telling me to become a Jesuit, or even a priest, but it was something He wanted me to look into for a reason only He knows. I know also that He meant for you to be in my life, and though I do not quite know what He wants, I do know what my heart yearns for. I have talked to my priest and a couple of the sisters at my church about my dilemma, and they tell me that they faced similar situations in their own journeys. However, they all agree that love is something worth pursuing. God is love, and few things make God happier than a love between two people strong in faith. Even my priest told me that the world is just as much in need of good, holy, relationships as it is in need of priests. If you want to love me, have no fear of me. If I give you my heart, only you can ever give it back. I can serve God just as well and just as faithfully in love with a woman as I can alone as a priest. The vocation director of the Jesuits sent me a small book called “Challenge.” It is a guide for a daily meditation that lasts for 36 weeks in which you ask yourself different questions, examining yourself, your faith, God, and how you fit into His plan. When I first started the exercise I was pretty excited about the Jesuits for a couple reasons. Firstly, it held great appeal for me. Second, I thought at the time that my chance to have your love had come and gone. Imagine my terror the weekend before Valentine’s Day when I realized your feelings for me!


    Page 2 will be posted oh…. tomorrow evening probably. Until then. -J

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