February 19, 2003

• For about a week after prom we didn’t say anything to each other. I mean, what could you say? Things were different now, it was like we weren’t friends anymore. Personally I didn’t think I had done anything wrong, I had told the truth. It felt like I had gotten a long-held secret off my shoulders and for some reason she was scared to death. It wasn’t like I had asked her to marry me.

  
  

  So the week dragged on day by day and every time I saw her I made themistake of looking into her eyes. Every second in that glorious place seemed like a minute in heaven and lord did the crash back the earth bring me pain. She ALWAYS looked away but only after letting me stay long enough to exhale in peacefulness. Then I was kicked out into the vacuum of reality again unable to breathe. Here is a journal entry from the day before we got together to talk about this:

  
  

                            **********

  
  

  Friday  4/27/01

  
  

  Tomorrow I plan to talk to Maggie in depth on how much I actually love her. Also, I am anxious to hear what she wished to say to me after prom. I know what I want it to be, but I’m guessing that it is what I know it to be; something about her going to college and her not wanting to hurt me. I’m glad she feels that way, but I have to tell her the hard facts.

  
  

  IT WON’T.

  
  

  The only way she could hurt me is to love me and torture herself by not letting that light shine. Yes, going away will be hard but. . .

  
  

  What could stop a love that can trancend death?

  
  

  And if she doesn’t love me, that is fine. She doesn’t have to. I’ll be heartbroken of course, but I’ll get over it.

  
  

  I hope

  
  

                            ************

  
  

  Forgive me for being so childishly optimistic at the time, but that was how blind I was to the situation. I was madly in love with her and I knew that after I told her I loved she wanted to say something but she never did. I was hoping it would be good news but that little voice in the back of my head, the one a ALWAYS listen to know because it is always right, was saying, “How could she love you? You are nothing.” Well I paid dearly for ignoring that voice, as you will soon see.

  
  

  She came out to my house the next day. It was Saturday and it was gorgeous outside. So we went to this timber north of my house. Way in the back is an abandoned farm and the largest building is a barn. A monstrous old barn. We went inside and said nothing for hours. I had my katana with me so I impatiently bored holes into the wooden floor. We were scared half to death when a gigantic vulture flew in through a hole in the roof, squawked, and left.

  
  

  What an omen. A reaper of flesh and souls waving its twisted talons at my heart. Again, I wasn’t thinking that at the time. I was still holding on to that stubbron thing called, “hope.”

  
  

  So we moved elsewhere, finding  a nice path that led up a hill to the east and then down to a tiny pond. A few yards east of that was a trickling creek. As we approached the bank of that stream an albino blue heron took flight. It was a magnificent creature, a unicorn of the skies. I thought for sure it was an angel, a good omen telling me things were going to work out perfectly. So we sat on a huge root coming out of the bank and dipping into the water. We were in the shade, listening to the breeze whisper secrets to the trees while the water giggled below us. After a few minutes she reached into the pocket of her denim skirt and handed me a note.

  
  

  I still have that note. It’s even right here with me. I suppose I kept it as a reminder but it was also the obituary of my heart.

  
  

  My first instinct was to think it was a poem. Ha, how stupid was that. When I opened it I realized quickly that things weren’t going to be good. It was when I opened that note that the breeze stopped blowing and a crow flew overhead cawing loudly and its cries echoed through the forest like a lost soul.

  
  

  My soul.

  • 1:31 am
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