One spring day while eagerly awaiting a response from the vocations director, I went over to the chapel to pray. Class was over for the day, and I was looking forward to some peace and quiet before the tabernacle. It was a cool, humid, cloudy day, and I have a deep love of such days. The air is sweet, colors seem a little more vibrant, and something about those kinds of days brings a rich peace to my heart.
(Time warp!)
During the year leading up to this point, I was what was called a peer minister at the Catholic Student Center. I worked with four other college students in this ministry, in which we led various outreach efforts toward students and the surrounding community, doing everything from fun social events to spiritual things like weekly rosary, prayer services, etc. We became a very close-knit bunch, and I became particularly close to a very sweet, very lovely young lady whom I referred to as Abigail in the previous post. I bore a great deal of love in my heart for her, and as Laura became more and more distant from me, I inevitably was drawn closer to Abigail, and the love that was already there in friendship slowly and cautiously crept into the light of love.
It was painful and terrifying, but very healing to be open even in a small degree to loving someone again. But I knew that my application to the Society was being looked at and prayed over, and I didn’t dare try to enter into another courtship unless I was not accepted. To begin pouring my heart out for another only to have to decide yet again between the Society and a woman… I don’t know that any man could live through it twice in such rapid succession! But our friendship deepened ever more, and we both rejoiced in it.
(Return to the narrative’s present)
So there I was in the chapel by the tabernacle. Our tabernacle stood alone in front of a bank of windows, a wooden one atop a concrete pillar. It was such a comfort to sit on the floor and lean my back against the pillar, letting Christ literally support me. I closed my eyes and just sat there quiet with our Lord, completely at peace.
Then I heard the door to the chapel open. My first thought was, “Darn it!”
But then Abigail came around the pews and saw me, “Oops! I’ll go over to the other side.”
“No, that’s OK. You won’t bother me.”
To my heart’s everlasting delight she came over to sit beside me, leaning her head on my shoulder and sighing deeply.
“Are you alright?” I asked.
“Yeah… I just had a tough class.”
Her class had been talking about many of the troubles in Africa (I think) and she, being of large and loving heart, was very troubled and saddened at the thought of so many people suffering. She had come to be with God and to seek His help in carrying that burden, and found me there already.
We sat quietly for a few minutes before the rain began. It poured, filling the chapel with the sound of rain on the roof. It was such a peaceful and beautiful moment, and I was immediately struck with immense gratitude to God for blessing me with it.
Whenever I look back on that time, I always hold it up as a perfect moment of love. There we were, completely loving each other for love’s sake in the presence of God, loving Him as well and drawing Him into that love and letting Him become a part of it. Abigail and I loved each other very much, but we were merely content to be present, one for the other, demanding nothing and wanting nothing but to love and be loved by the other and all of this through, with, and in the love of God. Still to this day, whenever it rains, I think about this moment and I am filled anew with joy and gratitude.
Not long after this treasured moment I was working the Church desk at night, and while checking my email I noticed one from the vocation director that basically said, “Call me as soon as you can. I have some good news to share with you.”
So I immediately called him and he said, “Congratulations, you’ve been accepted!”
My heart pounded with excitement but my stomach plummeted through the floor.
We chatted for a little bit before I let him go, and I began writing an email to the first person who I thought should know: Laura.
While I was writing it, two other friends whom I will call “Kevin” and “Leslie” (yes, maje_charis, you should know who these people are!) came into the office and, after reading over my shoulder, congratulated me quietly and gave me hugs.
Once the email was sent off I went excitedly downstairs to where the staff and several friends were meeting and I said, “I just found out that I’m going to be a priest!” Everyone was thrilled and offered their congrats before I returned to my desk and began emailing other people. I was very happy and excited to have a clear direction in life, and I felt relieved that Abigail and I would remain friends and I wouldn’t have to break her heart after all (not that I ever wanted to or intended to).
Soon Abigail and another of our minister friends came into the office and quietly gave me hugs, congratulating me in equally quiet ways and I felt immediately that while they were truly happy for me, both of their hearts were aching in a sense though they were trying to hide it as best they could. My heart ached with them, especially with Abigail.
The rest of the school year I spent hanging out with friends, doing the school thing, and giving away a great deal of my things. A few friends threw what began as a surprise party and quickly became, because of my excellent deductive talents and maje_charis’ blessed inability to lie, a “I-act-surprised-party.” It was, of all the congrats I received, the most dear and sweet moment of all of them and I treasure the memory a great deal. Someone made a Batman cake, there was dark chocolate candy, Code Red Mountain Dew, streamers and signs; basically, all of my favorite things and favorite people.
Days later, as I waited for my mom to arrive to take myself and the remainder of my things home, Abigail and I spent some time saying farewell, and I told her about how much I loved her. I also told her how conflicted I had been before receiving my acceptance, and how painful it is that God would ask me one more time to give up someone I loved so much. She had similar feelings, but in the end we both knew that we wanted me to do this great thing for God, even if we had to bear some sadness in our hearts for a time.
I also told her that I had no idea what to give her as a gift, but when I thought and prayed about it the only thing I could think to give her was my last kiss. I assured her that I understood completely if such a thing was too much to offer, and that it could wait until later in the summer. I also understood that she still had never been kissed (an amazing and beautiful thing for a young lady of 21, I think), and I certainly wouldn’t want to assume I deserved to have it. But after a short pause she nodded her head and said that she would accept it, and we would think of a time to meet this summer. As a token of my affection and a promise of my last kiss (since such things are rather intangible and hard to keep and hold onto) I gave her a thimble, just like in the story “Peter Pan” (as you have probably learned, I am horribly romantic and sentimental). After exchanging hugs and final farewells she departed and soon I, too, was on my way home.
We never saw each other that summer, and I wouldn’t hear from her except for a brief phone call until I was already in novitiate. She wrote a beautiful letter and in it explained that, after thought and prayer, she felt that she just could not accept my last kiss, nor give away her first in the same exchange. She wanted to wait, but she expressed her deep honor and love for even merely the offer of receiving such a gift, and she promised to treasure the thought and thimble forever. It was painful for me to accept at first, but I quickly grew to accept the grace of it all, and I imagine to have kissed so lovely and loved a woman so soon before entering the novitiate would have been the absolute worst thing I could have done to myself, and to her.
So, here ends the great romantic saga of my vocation story, right up to the time I entered. In 10 days I will be taking my perpetual vows of poverty, chastity and obedience before heading to St. Louis University to study philosophy for a few years.
If anyone reading this blog has any prayers or requests they would like me to bring to the altar on that day, please leave a comment, or message me if the matter is private, and I will bring all of them directly to Our Lord Jesus Christ on that day. I hope also to have time for one more update between now and then, but things are going to get progressively more busy as the days roll on, so no promises! God bless all of you and, please, if you ever want to know something, ask!
