“But she vanished from his sight; and he became dumb, as one that is bound under a spell, and he strayed long in the woods, wild and wary as a beast, seeking for her. In his heart he called her Tinuviel, that signifies Nightingale, daughter of twilight, in the Grey-elven tongue, for he knew no other name for her. And he saw her afar as leaves in the winds of autumn, and in winter as a star upon a hill, but a chain was upon his limbs.”
-The Silmarillion

To tell this portion of the story and the next, I will paste here the very same email I sent to the vocations director of the Society of Jesus, shortly after I felt God calling me to the Jesuits. It relates the period of time after my first meeting with God (the rough day mentioned at the end of the previous post), the time afterward, my giving up Mystery Girl, meeting God again, and the days following that. Enjoy this “historical” document!

On the Sunday before Thanksgiving my girlfriend of one year and five months broke up with me. The biggest reasons, I found out later, where that she became envious of a friend I had made up here at college and that I would not have sex with her. I still don’t understand why these two issues would drive someone to end such a long-
lasting relationship, but if they bothered her that much, I can’t say that I am too sad to see her go, now that I know what she valued most in a relationship.
However, the blow still hit hard. She had been my first “girlfriend,” something I had wanted for many many years and now she was gone. For about the next month I was miserable. I soon fell for another girl, a friend of mine named Mystery Girl. She is a very religious young lady, something my ex-girlfriend was not. She is a wonderful person and I still love her dearly. I told this girl how I felt about her and she just wanted to be friends. It was painful to
hear, but I promised her that I would do that. I would just be friends with her. I still, however, secretly hoped that maybe she would change her mind. I knew for a fact that God had put her in my life for a good reason, and at the time I thought it was because we were meant to be together, or that He was using her as an example of the type of woman I was meant to be with. I found out later I was wrong on both accounts, which I will disuss later.
During this time I was praying my rosary quite often, and I definitely was praying before bed every night. I was praying for comfort and guidance, as well as praying for God to tell me what he had in mind for Mystery Girl and I. Were we to be in love? Were we to be friends? I wanted to know.
On December 11th I was in a miserable mood and needed company. I went down to the lounge on 10th floor in my building and found Mystery Girl and our friend Mandy making Christmas goodies. So I hung out with them for a short while, after which Mandy had to leave and Mystery Girl had to go deliver goodies. She said she would be back soon and I promised to watch her stuff while she was gone. After she left I realized I had nothing to do, so I took the opportunity to pray my rosary. (Being a 4th Degree Knight of Columbus, I have a rosary in my pocket at all times.)
I prayed earnestly for comfort. I felt so alone and unguided. I begged God, Mary, and Jesus for the comfort that only they could give as Holy Father, Mother, and Brother. About three decades into my rosary I was seized by an incredible feeling. I started shaking, I became very cold, I started to cry, I was scared, I felt very small, and I could not stop praying. I wanted to run but I couldn’t. I wasn’t scared like I was going to be hurt or something, but more scared like I was in the presence of someone WAY bigger than me and I felt unworthy of it.
This experience lasted for almost the last two decades, and then Mystery Girl came back and it suddenly ended. I sat on the lounge couch in complete shock. I had NO idea what just happened. Mystery Girl came in and got back to work while I wiped the tears from my face, and after a few minutes I asked her if she had ever been touched by God. She said no, but admitted that her sister had and she told me the story. I then told her what happened to me just moments before she walked in the room. She was amazed and prayed with me and comforted me in my uncertainty and fear.
The next day I talked to my priest about what happened to me and he encouraged me to pray about it. I told him that I felt like God had called me to get my attention but didn’t tell me what to do. It was more like He said, “Hey, pay attention.” I still didn’t know what He wanted of me, I just knew that He wanted me to get ready to be
informed. From that day forward I prayed for guidance as well as comfort. I told God that I wanted to do His will, no matter what it was. I begged Him to let me serve him. For over a month I didn’t hear a thing.
During this time I was crazy about my friend Mystery Girl. I thought that recent events were a sure sign that we were meant to be together. A few weeks ago I was praying for comfort and I just became overwhelmed with feelings of lonliness, uselessness, and being lost. I just huddled into a ball on my bed and just wept, admitting out loud that I
was weak and I needed strength from God. I felt better afterwards, but not quite fulfilled. Looking back on it, I can see that it was the first step towards being ready for God’s message.
Last weekend on January 22nd I spent the day getting ready to go to a swing concert with Mystery Girl and her best friend. I bought a new shirt and got my haircut for the first time in several years. I wanted to look my best for her. While shopping I had a discussion with Mandy and found out that Mystery Girl was trying to work things out with another young man. I had not realized this previously and felt TERRIBLE for possibly making that harder for her. That evening I surrendered, I gave up my hope for being with her in a romantic relationship. I even went so far as to say it out loud. I promised myself that I would think of her only as a wonderful friend and nothing beyond that. I feel it was during that moment of surrender that God deemed me ready.
The next evening I was in an RCIA class with my candidate, having been asked by Sister Joanna a few days previous to be a sponsor. During the class the speaker mentioned the Jesuits briefly, and at that moment I felt that feeling from back in December return for a moment. I got chills all over my body and felt as if God was getting my attention again. During the break I asked Sister Joanna if there was ANY information on the Jesuits and she got me a brochure from the
wall. I read it and started realizing that everything in there fit me and the type of life I’ve been wanting to live without realizing it. I talked to the priest after Mass that evening and he encouraged me to contact the Jesuits for information and to look into it.
That night I couldn’t sleep. The return of that feeling was comforting because it let me know God was still working with me. However, since it didn’t complete the message I’d gotten in the first place, I was somewhat distressed. Was this what God wanted me to do? So, when in doubt and when I can’t sleep, I pray. I prayed my rosary for guidance and discernment. Is this what you want me to do God? Is this your will? About two decades in I had an answer.
While lying in my bed praying, I was seized by that same powerful feeling. Commanding, strong, but this time it was warm, almost hot and very internal. It was bright and glorious and I found myself at peace in a way I had never known before. Then, God in His way told me that this is something He wanted me to explore. This whole Jesuit thing was important and He wanted me to walk down that road. Whatever He has in mind, it is somewhere along the way.
The very next day I talked to my friend Mystery Girl and the priest about it. Mystery Girl was thrilled to hear that God came back to me and she is just amazed to see God working directly with someone. The priest was excited as well and encouraged me to keep praying and to definitely look into the Jesuits. He also let me know that he is willing to help me with any part of it if I need help. I started emailing you and looking on the Internet and I also talked with both of the sisters at my church, asking them their story and telling them mine. So far I strongly feel that this message from God is a genuine vocation to a religious life of some sort and that the Jesuits are where He wants me to start.
Considering a religious life is not completely new to me. When I was in middle school a cousin of mine was staying with us. Out of the blue he said in all seriousness that I had the right attitude to be a priest. I dismissed it immediately. Why would I want to do that? For the rest of my life that memory resurfaced time and time again.
Whenever I didn’t know what to do with my life, the possibility of a religious life came bobbing back up from the depths of my mind.
After I joined the Knights of Columbus and started becoming active in it I realized how much I enjoyed belonging to a community that existed to serve others. I realized I could definitely make a life out of service to others, I just didn’t know how to make it happen. I knew the Knights was a start, but since that isn’t really a “career”; I had to look around to see what could be. I looked at everything from teaching to military service and neither really seemed quite right.
Though I transferred to UNI to teach, it never was really something I felt too strongly about, it was just something I was told I would be good at. When I started looking into the Jesuits, I realized that I could live a life of service, I could make a “career” out of it.
So that is, for the most part, why I’ve been getting in touch with you. Oh, I promised to discuss what I feel God’s plan was for me and Mystery Girl. Here is my theory.
I mentioned before that I thought for dead sure that either God meant for us to be together, or that she was to be an example of the type of woman I was meant to be with. I was completely off. I think God took so long to get back to me because Mystery Girl was the focus of my efforts and attention. There was too much “noise” and I couldn’t hear Him talking. When I surrendered myself, when I turned off “the noise” He knew I was ready to listen. Even though I gave up pursuing her romantically, she and I are still very close friends, a friendship I wouldn’t give up for anything. Through this experience God has taught me how it is completely possible and appropriate to love someone completely without having or feeling the need for a romantic or physical relationship. I know that if I can learn to love everyone like that, I will be set. I feel that through her and God I have learned to love like God and how Christ taught us. Love without condition. And this isn’t the only lesson I realized I learned in my life. I can look back at almost any past experience and realize the lesson God taught me through it and how it has prepared me for the life I am considering. When God came to me last week and told me what He had in mind, I felt completed. It was so clear. It was like dumping out a box of puzzle pieces and they all land in place on their own. I seriously want to pursue this and any help you and the Jesuits can offer will be greatly appreciated. I spent a great deal of time begging God for guidance and comfort and He pulled through. Now it’s my turn to put that gift into action.

*******
Certainly I have learned and understood much since writing this email. But I think this gives you the clearest picture of my experience and thinking at the time.

I had no idea, though, that only a week or so after sending this email, I would come to find out that Mystery Girl was very deeply in love with me.

::edit:: I SWEAR I indented everything… I don’t know why they didn’t stay. Sorry if that complicates anyone life more than they needed! Everything is indented here in the weblog entry box!! Argh!

“It is told in the Lay of Leithian that Beren came stumbling into Doriath grey and bowed as with many years of woe, so great had been the torment of the road. But wandering in the summer in the woods of Neldoreth he came upon Lúthien, daughter of Thingol and Melian, at a time of evening under moonrise, as she danced upon the unfading grass in the glades beside Esgalduin. Then all memory of his pain departed from him, and he fell into an enchantment; for Lúthien was the most beautiful of all the Children of Iluvatar. Blue was her raiment as the unclouded heaven, but her eyes were grey as the starlit evening; her mantle was sewn with golden flowers, but her hair was dark as the shadows of twilight. As the light upon the leaves of trees, as the voice of clear waters, as the stars above the mists of the world, such was her glory and her loveliness; and in her face was a shining light.”

                                                                                           The Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien

 

It all began in late August of 2004. I was moving into Dancer Hall at the University of Northern Iowa. My girlfriend of the previous entry was with me, as were her parents, to help me move into my dorm room.

Upon entering the dormitory, I went to the sign-in desk and then to the RA handling the upper floors of the building. This was the first meeting of Mystery Girl and myself, and at the time she was just another person (just for fun, I will be referring to Mystery Girl as thus for the rest of the saga). You see, my heart was already set upon my girlfriend, so other women really didn’t draw my attention. Truly! I was blessed at least in that regard. That would soon change, however.

In mid-September my heart was already beginning to suspect, though I was not concious of it at the time, that my relationship was starting to die. I thought things between us were fine; I had no idea how close to ending things my girlfriend was. So I went along, doing the school thing, sending emails, making phone calls and writing poems for my girlfriend at least once a week.

I began also to become friends with Mystery Girl, who was the RA two floors down. She was friends with my RA and therefore was often walking by my door. The thing that struck me first about her was her sweet demeanor and ever-present smile. There was a glow of peace about her, and I could tell very quickly that she would make a good friend. So we became acquainted, and after first asking my girlfriend’s permission (yes, I was a good boyfriend!) I asked Mystery Girl if I could write her a poem, for she was quite inspiring for me. She was flattered; such a thing had never been offered her before. So I composed what I like to refer to as a masterpiece. Then again, my circle of critics at the time was very small, namely Mystery Girl and myself.

“Classical Ode to the Lady of 10^th Floor”

Sing, oh sing Helios and

Warm thy father’s lands

And let all the world in

Thy light rejoice, painted

By thy sister Aphrodite’s

Hand.

Lo, what precious drop hath

Fallen from her brush?

Peer closer still and gaze

Upon true resplendence,

Dancing o’er the green grass

And singing with a voice

Envied by man and muse.

Closer, closer peer thee and

Thy eternal eye shall see a

Face not beheld since Helen of Troy

Graced the golden walls of that fated city.

Abashed shall thee be when in

Her smile thou dost see

Thy own face.

Oh Helios, fear not for thy

Own vanity; forever shall thy

Brilliance fill the skies.

And when thy fiery chariot o’er

Horizon doth depart,

‘tis then thy throne usurpéd be by

The beauty of her eyes.

She was thrilled and immediately wondered if I had more poetry she could read. I did, so I began to provide old poems I had written. I didn’t write many more for her, but on the rare occasion that I did I first wrote one for my girlfriend for fear of investing my heart incorrectly (not that it was currently invested properly).

One embarassing moment: Homecoming Week at UNI was approaching and signs everywhere were advertising something called “Campanilling.” All I knew is that it was at midnight and sounded fun, so I invited Mystery Girl to come. She was busy with RA things that night and, after blushing, politely declined.

I found out later that Campanilling is a Homecoming tradition where sweethearts gather under the clocktower and kiss at midnight. Good thing she declined; my girlfriend would have eaten my heart (slowly).

Anyways, as said previously my girlfriend eventually broke up with me, but not until wondering at least once if there was something going on between Mystery Girl and myself. There wasn’t, that I was aware of, but the seeds of love between us were planted very deep, so deep that I did not know that they were there, waiting, until the cold winter of lust and secrets had passed in mid-November when my girlfriend broke up with me…

“Tuesday, November 23, 2004

…in due time there may be another lady whom I will pursue in hopes of finding romance yet again. I don’t dare rush things for fear of killing any delicate, budding feelings she may already have for me. Patience is necessary. For now I’ll view this promised land from afar, waiting for the right time to dare wander another step. Wish this pilgrim luck.”

 

This is the end of the Xanga entry of the same date, mere days after the breakup. Already I could sense those seeds of love quickening in the slowly thawing soils of my heart, and soon enough spring would complete the thaw. Love would germinate, sprout and begin stretching toward the sun…

 

“Monday, November 29, 2004

Problem: Falling in love with new girl.

Desired Solution: Dating said new girl.

Factors to Consider: I haven’t told her how I feel. . . that’s the biggest one.

The “X” Factor: According to a source close to said girl, she is “sort of seeing someone.” Apparently it isn’t official, but it is in the very beginnings of possibly being a relationship.

Dilemma: Do I tell said girl how I feel, or would that be inappropriate to possibly disrupt a possible relationship that could possibly happen?

Result of Debate Over This Dilemma: *pulls hair out of head and bangs said head on wall, screaming profane nonsense and lamenting his ill luck*

Drat.

 ***

So I speak with another friend of this mystery girl, and apparently this guy that wanted to date her screwed up. TWICE. He has not pursued her at all, so she gave up on him. This friend I spoke to tells me to go for it; I have a good chance at winning her over. And even if she doesn’t want to date right now, there is still promise in the future! And I will wait as long as it takes. This woman is amazing.

All I can hear is Handel’s “Hallelujah” Chorus in my head. Woo-hoo!

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Ah, love.

Spent some time with her. Lovely time. Want to spend more. Hard to concentrate on anything right now. Must type paper. Can’t get her outta my head. Can’t find a reason to do so. Guess I’ll shrug my shoulders and keep on going.

***

Man what a bipolar day. Started out in the dumps and already I’m in the suburbs!

Though I am kind of disappointed she didn’t feel the same way, I’m really glad that she was honest. And who knows what time will bring. I am very patient, especially with things worth waiting for and this young lady, my friends, is worth the wait.

What a burden to be rid of! No more secrets.”

 

 

My love for her began to blossom, and summer longed to approach but I held it back with all my patience for fear of rushing Mystery Girl, of growing too quickly only to have the stem of it all snap under the weight of haste. By the end of November, as referred to above, I confessed to her my growing feelings. I remember saying distinctly that being able to say to her, “I love you,” would be my life’s highest honor. Oh I was hopeless!! And she was stunned by this revelation, this opening of my heart, and confessed in turn that she only considered me a friend. But looking back upon the memory of that night I remember seeing the distant stars of delight and could almost hear the pounding of her heart as I poured my own out to her, as though the words carried on my breath bore with them bread and water for a love-starved prisoner. So I had hope and love for her, and that was enough for a while.

 

“Saturday, December 04, 2004

So I’ve hit that part of being single again where all you want is someone to hold… feeling pretty lonely right now. All I want is a cheek to put my hand on and a pair of eyes to stare into and say, “You are so beautiful.”

Seems like a simple wish, doesn’t it.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

So…. I’m sitting in my room all by myself all day. Rather bored, rather alone. Just a few minutes ago I hear a sweet voice echoing down the hall and into my room. I knew right away who it was. I stick my head out and here comes Mystery Girl, skipping towards me smiling and singing. So she takes my hand and we dance in the hallway and chat for a moment before she has to be on her way.

Is the fact I am retaining her anonymity frustrating anyone yet? Sorry if it is, but I’d rather not tell too many people her name before anything even happens romantically between us. I don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch but hey, what’s wrong with estimating?”

I remember sometime in December of 2004 a conversation I had with Mystery Girl. I had written her a letter, for there was a short break in communication and I was afraid that I had frightened her off. We talked, and she admitted that she was confused about what I wanted from her. I felt terrible; I was trying desparately only to be her friend though she knew my love for her ran far deeper. So I thought for a moment and said, “I only ever want your honesty, as you always have mine.” And she nodded her beautiful head and agreed that she would always be honest with me. And she always was.

 

“Wednesday, December 08, 2004“

“The Seed”

I huddle within myself

A seed shivering in the cold, hard soil

Awaiting the day when the snow’s retreat

And the sun beckons me to grow.

It has been a long winter

Full of hope, full of waiting

Waiting to see what light looks like

Hoping to catch a glimpse of its rumored beauty.

How I ache within my shell,

Wishing I could feel more than

Cold upon my face

Wishing I could be held by more than

My own hands

Wishing I could taste more than

The salt of my tears

Hear more than

My cry

Smell more than

My decay

See more than

My own face in the mirror.

Love, take this quivering seed.

Plant it within your evergreen lands,

The eternal spring.

Watch me blossom

In your benevolent hands.

 

“Friday, December 10, 2004

So she wanted to watch a movie with me tonight at around 8:30. Arrived prompt and punctual and knocked. And knocked. At 8:45 I tested her door and found it unlocked. Cautiously and with much fear I opened the door and poked my head inside. “Hello?” I said softly into the dimly lit room. There was no answer save for the peaceful silence that permeates the atmosphere of a place blessed with beauty at rest. There, upon her couch, she lay, completely at peace and fast asleep with the barest trace of a smile upon her lips. I quietly closed the door and went to visit a friend, my eyes moist and heart aching. Oh, what exquisite pain.

-Original Work-

Hush, for now beauty rests

Her body rising and falling

Waxing and waning

With the tide of

Each content sigh

Whispering past

Barely parted lips

An almost imperceptible

Smile shining dimly

Upon her countenance.

What a peaceful creature lies

Before my sight!

I will depart

Quietly for fear of

Waking her.

For to do so

Would be as

Breaking the very night.

Rest and dream sweetly,

For I wish

To see the sun

Rise twice in my sky.”

 

Everything was going very well. My heart was swelling moment-by-moment with the love it bore for Mystery Girl, and every time I saw her or heard her sweet music echoing in the hall, I cherished it like gold. The entry above relates a particularly sweet moment, such a constrast to the following day…

“Saturday, December 11, 2004

Today was a rough day. That’s all I can say. Rough.

You ever felt this ” . ” small?“

 

…for it was this day that I formally met God.