April 23, 2008
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First Love
I first met Josephine as a high school freshman. One of my friends and I were stranded after a football came, and it just so happened that Josephine was nearby. She knew my friend from the cross country team and offered us rides home. Earlier in the evening I had found a quarter lying on the ground (I was so proud of myself) and decided that I would offer the quarter in gratitude. She smiled and accepted it, and took us home. I still remember her smiling in the moonlight that autumn night.
As I mentioned before, I became friends with her as she dated my best friend at the time, and I admit I was kind of jealous, often feeling, too, that she deserved better, and just as often thought that “better” meant “me.” But I loved my friends, and I was always faithful to them both. Eventually, though, their relationship ended.
As my sophomore year continued, so did my friendship with Josephine. Since she was no longer with my best friend, I felt it was safe for me to allow my heart to long for her and love her even more. Really, I was quite doomed, for I knew her well and she was in my eyes very lovely.
As the summer of my sophomore year began to draw near, so, too did her graduation from high school. I had not yet told her how I felt about her, and I was not the most articulate high school sophomore. As poor and cowardly as it sounds, it was with all the courage I could muster that one night over the phone I admitted to her that I loved her and that I would do anything she asked of me. There was what seemed to be an infinite silence hanging in the air before she spoke again, replying to my offer.
“I want you to not love me anymore, Jake.”
I really could not believe what I was hearing at the time, but out of blind obedience I responded, “If that is what you want, I will do it.”
Our friendship was not the same after that, there always being an uneasiness when we were around each other. But inside my heart was a deep and rending pain as I tried to come to terms with what had happened. I had so long waited for love(because to a high school sophomore, waiting from 6th grade until 10th grade to find love seems like an eternity) and when I had finally found it, had finally experienced the joy it brings, it was denied. More than denied, really; it was like asking a fire to extinguish itself, and such a feat is near impossible.
Yet, when it is motivated by love, such strange things are completely possible. Over time I eventually came to terms with it, and I stopped loving her, and God (though I didn’t realize it at the time) was so merciful to me, for normally a person learns to not love a person by hating them instead. I never resorted to hating Josephine but instead drowned my love for her in sorrow and feeling that I was unworthy of such a woman. Not that such methods are much better than hate, but at least it was my burden to bear and not hers.
How does this experience play into my vocation? Truly, I don’t know, but I’ve felt over the past couple of years that what this experience blessed me with was a broken heart. Broken hearts, in God’s eyes, are like lumps of clay; if we offer Him a broken heart, He will transform it into a great masterpiece over the length of our lives. But if we offer Him a heart that feels complete and whole, then the work is already finished; what is there for Him to do? If God was going to do anything with me, my heart needed breaking again and again and again….
Time went on, as it always does. Josephine went off to college and we remained in touch to a certain degree. It was in my junior year of high school that I fell in love again, harder and for someone I felt was closer to my heart in such areas as morality and wishing to live a good life above much of what was going on with other people our age. Her name, for the purpose of this telling, was Maggie.
And as for Josephine, don’t judge her too harshly for her demand to stop loving her. She has other parts to play in this tale… wait and see…
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Comments (8)
That background photo is really cute, by the way.
And I find what you say about offering a broken heart to God resonatingly true.
I feel like I’m reading a transcript from the television show How I Met Your Mother, like you are sitting down children and telling them a long and involved story, full of lots of twists and turns along the way to lead us to where you are today. It is involved with love and heartache, but also a reverence to the man upstairs many of us lack in our own lives.
Like maje, even though I know most of the puzzle pieces and how they all fit together, it is still remarkable to hear you tell the story once again.
What were your views on this last episode of BSG? I’ve never really cared for Cally, because she always seemd to be the whipping boy the creators/writers/directors always turned to if they needed someone to be beat up in an episode, and a little of her character goes a long way. I liked her and the Chief’s relationship, but when he was revealed as a Cylon, I knew it would only be a matter of time before she snapped. I understand why she was thrown out of the airlock, at the end of the episode, but I don’t view her death as a violent step by Tory, as others do. Tory was thinking of her preservation, much like any human would. I mean, she isn’t sure if when she dies that she’ll be reborn in a new body. None of the revealed final four do, either. I think what worries me most is Cally was one of my picks for the final Cylon. I’m now thinking Dualla for her ties with the Adama family or Gaeta. Knowing the creators, it will be someone I’m not even expecting, though.
I hope you have a great week!
Another interesting post. Makes me want to keep reading more. Thank you for directing me to that entry of yours a couple years ago in April. It totally brought a smile to my face. Believe it or not, I to this day, remember that conversation with you over instant messenger. It was one of the first times I felt good, and knew it was okay to feel good, about who I was (am). In today’s society, girls and women find it hard to like themselves and see beauty in themselves, but you made me believe it. I continue to believe that today and if I’m ever in doubt, I remember what you had said.
No, I don’t think they did ever resolve that at the end of Season Three… It’s one of those story arcs that should have had some more importance, for sure. I just realized that Caprica Six is in the brig aboard Galactica. I thought she died in the Cylon’s civil war/dispute. Chances are, that’s going to come back up soon.
I was trying to recall the Hera storyline you were referring to, and the only one I remembered at first was retaking her from the Cylons. But we did never get how she’s able to project an image of the future in three different minds aboard the ship, and what that means for Roslin. I mean, the other two are definitely Cylons, so how can Roslin see their projections with them? I also can’t wait for the D’anna models to be unboxed here shortly.
Did you know Mrs. Cary was retiring at the end of this school year? The Tipton Conservative’s meetings of the school board talked about hiring a replacement for her in the social studies department… I was just sort of surprised by that.
Thundercats are go for B.S.G. at my home in Tipton on May 23.
Just thought I’d let you know that it is certain they still have dish.
Talk at you later!
Thanks so much for the comments
I look forward to reading your next entry
Thanks for the prayers and always offering them. I really appreciate it!
It’s been a few years since it’s been difficult, but not such a long time that I have forgotten or had it fade from memory. I’m not sure about the legal aspect, but I definitely know that the reaction from one of my parents will be particularly nasty. I can never fully say how nasty it will be since I didn’t push the envelope 3 years ago. I’ve told my spiritual director that it is likely that I will get kicked out of the house, and I know that could easily be the least of my problems. He doesn’t believe me. He keeps saying “you won’t get kicked out of the house. that’s just your imagination/worst fear.” No, dear. Not my imagination. I’m not dumb. I didnt imagine 1997, 1998, 1999. 2000, 2001 etc. Thats not make-believe. That’s bonafide verbal crap – and not on a consistent basis either. I can’t predict when or how it will start, but this time around, I have that bit of control over the situation. Its not a lot, but at least this time, I’ll actually instigate it, and on purpose, too. She called me a bitch, well, now she’s got one.
What a beautiful story… you were so wisse even as a kid… I can’t imagine… I don’t think I would have done the same thing you would have done.