September 13, 2005

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  Shortly before things on September 1st took an ugly turn, I was typing up my thoughts on the matter of being a priest or loving Laura. To recap what eventually happened, I started proposing to Laura that perhaps we should just be friends, and perhaps I should pursue the priesthood. (Notice that keyword- perhaps). After that short, hypothetical statement she became very upset and left hours later under the assumption that a love between us was impossible. Two days later I walked/hitchhiked to her house to clarify, before it was too late. After another discussion, we resolved to start over as friends, to build that foundation of friendship and IF, SOMEDAY, we fall in love again, she would not be opposed to it.

  
  

     I thought it would be interesting for you all to read some of my thoughts, to see what was in my brain just minutes before she arrived on that fateful day. I hope you will kind of see where I was starting to lean: serve God AND be with Laura. If God is as big as I think He is, surely there is room for both He and her in my heart:

  
  

  1) Do the inner movements that I feel–for or against a choice–stem from my love for God or from some other source, for example, selfishness?

  
  

  I feel that the feelings motivating me towards serving God come from my strong desire to serve God according to His will for me. I want to follow His path, whatever it might be, even if it leads me somewhere that I do not want to go. Now that I think about it, I don’t feel that it is so much a choice between Laura or the Jesuits, but it is the challenge of accepting God’s will and loving Laura enough to accept her choice. All this time I really have only been waiting to know her heart, so that I may subsequently be allowed to be with her in sharing that heart, or that I may continue along the Jesuit path I feel God is calling me to. I am not, however, allowing her to choose my path for me, though I do feel that her feelings on the matter should and will directly impact the path I will take. If she has a great love for me, that is something God has instilled in her and it is something I should consider deeply, not turn away from. Love is a God-sent gift and grace, and if present it should be acknowledged, not ignored; cherished and not despised; celebrated and not kept silent. There are many kinds of love, but it all stems from God. To explore all the love in our lives and interpret the purpose for which God has created it should be a top priority in anyone’s life. Throughout the past several months, I have strongly felt that it was right and necessary to consider the possibility that Laura loved me and delay my decision on whether or not to join the Society. To make that decision without considering her heart would be unfair and foolish.

  
  

  Unfair because she is a dear friend, and those we build our lives upon are those that hold us up. When making a decision that will change our own life, we must consider the impact it will have on those who care about us. Our lives are not our own. They belong firstly to God, who blesses us with them from our very creation. They also belong, in part, to those who care for us. We are as much a gift from God to them as they are to us, and I feel it is necessary to honor that gift by considering how our own choices will affect them.

  
  

  Foolish because a decision such as this reaches far beyond ourselves. A truly God-involved decision involves, firstly, God, whom encompasses all things. Our thoughts and decision-making processes should as well attempt to consider all possibilities; options and well as consequences. In my own case, if I were to choose to enter the Society based solely on my own strong feelings, I could lose Laura as a friend. She might be so deeply hurt by my blatant refusal of her own gift of love that she may not have the courage or capacity to be with me any more. To lose such a precious and God-given gift would be a terrible loss that I am not willing to accept at this point. In being one of me dearest friends, Laura has in fact helped me strengthen and deepen my faith in a God that loves us and rejoices in our happiness. She has comforted me in times of despair and provided graceful insight when I had lost my way. Her faith in Christ has helped inspire the same within me, and to foolishly risk losing that grace in my life would feel, to me, a great sin indeed. Those who bring us closer to Christ should be kept closer to our hearts. To separate them from us without good reason would separate us further from Christ and lead us to sin.

  
  

   

  
  

  So you can see, especially after reading these last few lines, why I did something so crazy as to walk the interstate to her house. I knew what I wanted, though possibly too late. Time will tell, though.

  • 10:15 pm
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